Sometimes the hardest part is just admitting you are worthy of it all

I remember the morning after my thirtieth birthday party very clearly. A fun filled night full of family, friends, booze and gourmet foods. Four things I love a lot. That night I felt so special, so loved and I think the picture below speaks volumes as to the amount of fun that was had by all. However, the next morning, my actual thirtieth birthday, told a very different story.  

As I peeled open my swollen and puffy eyes, my head foggy, my stomach queasy, I could feel the familiar sadness start to creep in, as if a looming dark fog was settling over my unsteady soul. I knew this feeling pretty well. I had woken with her darkness so many mornings before. 

In just a little bit, I was to get in a car and drive three hours to Eastern Washington for the Dave Matthews concert at the Gorge amphitheater with my best girlfriends to continue celebrating and I felt horribly unworthy of it all.

I felt pretty unworthy of a lot of things to be honest. 

I had just turned thirty and my life felt like a huge mess. I had moved back from Taiwan four weeks earlier, damaged the car a friend temporarily loaned me in a fender bender the DAY he loaned it to me, took a job that keep me feeling safe and was living, once again, with my parents...all at the age of thirty. Don't get me wrong, I have a DEEP love and appreciation for my folks and all the love and support they have provided me over the years. However, I just felt so ashamed of my life. I knew I had to figure out how to relinquish this feeling of unworthiness and reclaim my sense of freedom. 

I laid in bed, with my eyes closed and head pounding, wondering if I would ever pull my shit together. My heart was a mess, my spirit was dull and all those big dreams I once had were lost in a mix of tequila fuzz and self-loathing chasers. 

I needed something to change. I needed a spark to ignite the burning desire deep inside and to get me to step outside of my comfort zone and do all those really big things I had always wanted to do with my life.

Climb big mountains, travel to far off lands, be a rockstar girl boss, write and publish a book, help inspire change in others, live in Southern California, meet my love and live an adventurous life together. These were just a few. It's funny how some things never change over time though. 

As I lay there quietly in bed I felt the oddest thing. It was as if finally wanting to change bad enough was just enough to feel her darkness loosen her grip just a little. I knew in that moment this was my opportunity to escape her clasp.  It was now or never but I needed help, and before she could grab hold of me even tighter, I said a simple prayer which I believe, drove an unbreakable wedge between her darkness and my truth.  "Please help me. I cannot do this on my own any longer." Then, I peeled back the covers, sat up slowly and went about my weekend celebrating my self-proclaimed unworthy existence not knowing that I had just decided I was, in fact, very worthy. 

As I look back five and a half years later, I'm pretty amazed at what has transformed since asking for help in that moment of darkness. I wish I could say the clouds parted and bright rays of sun beamed down on me and magically, I was granted the ease I was longing for and everything started to fall into place. That wasn't exactly the case. Life got a bit easier in some ways but it also got a lot harder too. Allow me to explain.  

One of the greatest, and at times, most frustrating lessons I've had to learn over the course of my life is that you will continue to be presented with the same lesson over and over again until YOU, let me say that again, YOU, step up and take action to learn what you truly need to learn from them. My greatest lesson in this lifetime, I believe, is to accept that I am worthy of all that I want and desire and that I have all the power to create it. 

So, as I mentioned, life got easier in some ways when I asked for help and unconsciously declared that I am actually quite worthy. However, it still felt hard because I would continue to be presented with the same people and similar situations that would test me in great ways. 

The serious of events that took place from that moment on have taken my life on a really interesting and wild adventure. Each person, each experience, and every single moment has continued to teach me of my worthiness. Some of these lessons were harder then others, my failed marriage being a huge example, but was it really a failure or a lesson for me to dig even deeper and really see my value and worthiness? Walking away from a commitment like that wasn't easy but the realization that I WAS worthy of being treated better was what I needed to accept and learn. I was and am worthy of a deeper, stronger, more pure love with someone who truly sees and loves me. Accepting this one truth has helped me to see how worthy I am of other things I want for myself too. 

The career, the adventure, the unorthodox way of living, the body, the financial security and yes, the man who has the ability to love himself so much that he can love me too. 

And here is the real kicker, you are worthy of everything you want too.  

Do you even know just how worthy you are? 

The most important piece of this puzzle is identifying the things in your life that keep happening and truly believing that you are worthy of things happening differently. We may finally realize we are worthy but continue sabotaging our own happiness because we fail to understand that it is a muscle we need to constantly work. With every similar situation, it's our responsibility to do things a little differently. Can we say something in a different way? Can we forgive? Can we walk away? Can we find our voice and speak up? Can we accept the person for who they are? Can we accept the situation for what it is supposed to teach us?

My dad use to repeat this quote to me all the time. Back then I'd roll my eyes but now it's something I repeat often, "If you always do what you've always did you'll always get what you've always gotten."

The other night as I sat in my car watching the sun set over the pacific ocean I thought about my journey, how I ended up here and how I continue to be presented with people and experiences that are helping me learn this amazingly simple truth: I am worthy. Conflicts and people and situations that are making me rise up, find my voice and ultimately, lean in differently. Sometimes it feels hard. Sometimes they make me smile because I know why they are here. Sometimes I get sad because I just want this one particular lesson to be over already. And most of the time, I just say thanks. I get it.  

I smile at how far I've come and get excited about how much I still have to learn about life, others and myself. Something that use to feel daunting and so big is now an excellent example of living life as if it's just one big adventure. One thing is for certain, there is this peace in my heart that is unbreakable. I respect and admire the woman I have turned out to be and when I have a moment of being human, falling back into old patterns and habits, I nurture myself differently and remind myself that I am worthy regardless of what I sometimes say and do. 

I don't strive for perfection anymore because quite honestly, perfect is unattainable, perfect is unrealistic, perfect is boring and doesn't really exist. Worthiness doesn't come with obtaining this idea of perfection. Worthiness, like so many other things, comes with the truly believing you deserve it and then taking small steps in a different direction every time you are presented with a similar experience 

Worthiness is knowing that you do have a choice in the matter. You are the only one that can define whether or not you deserve something and then only you can go after it. 

One moment in your life could change everything. Whether you listen and make the small changes necessary from then on out, that determines everything.

So here are a few questions to real on. Chew on them. Soak them in. And then get very honest with yourself. But only do this if you actually want your life to change. 

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1. Where do you feel unworthy? In what areas of your life? 

example: For me, it was money, a healthy, loving relationship, and having a job that is creative, fun, adventurous and location independent. Those were my dreams. And those also happen to be three huge areas in your life. If one is off, then your whole life can feel off. Three were off. That says something, right?

2. What is the story behind this unworthiness?

example: Yuck, I really hate having to admit this because its super scary and vul-ner-ab-le. But vulnerable is the key to happy times ahead so here I go. Once upon a time when I was young and super impressionable,  I picked up this little story from someone close to me who said, "Don't worry Amanda, you just need to meet a man who can take care of you. You don't have to worry about a career." Ugh. There. Sounds funny saying it out loud but from that moment on, it was like a tick that burrowed deep into my skin except it was my subconscious, and I learned that my worthiness was dependent on finding someone to take care of me. It's taken a lot of self-analysis and uncovering to redefine that belief. 

3. How can you reframe it?

example: Actually,  (if you know me you know I just did a little side-to-side head motion with a twist of index finger up in the air and hands on my hip) Let. me. tell. you. I don't need someone to take care of me. My dreams are just as important and relevant and I can achieve them just like anyone else thank you very much. (this is where I get super sassy}. The truth is,  I want a partner that grows with me, that pushes me to be better every single day, that gives me room to spread my wings and fly. That supports my dreams. Sure, we all want to be taken care of in some ways but having mutual love and respect for each other and our dreams is vital for happiness. 

4. Now the fun part...WHAT do you really want? 

example: I want to have enough money in the bank to always feel secure. I want a career that is inspiring others to achieve their ultimate greatness focused on health, wellness, fitness, travel and food. I want a love with a man that is deep, pure, real, passionate, adventurous and fun. I want to travel around the world and be location independent. Can I get a high five?

5. Decide and implement daily one small step to get you closer. 

example: Today, and every day, I wake up and set one little goal. For money, I put away X amount every week so that I can feel secure if something happens or if I want to take a vacation or have an unexpected expense. For love, well, I put myself back out on the market and took it a little more seriously and told the big old UNIVERSE that I'm ready. For my career, I'm taking bold and active steps, once again, in that direction. Travel, I'm committed to two big trips in the next five months and I'm gonna make it happen. 

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You see, you really do deserve the things you want. Please believe me when I say this:

 You  Are  Worthy. 

What Do You Do When Your Soul Feels Restless

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"Patience is the antidote to the restless poison of the Ego. Without it we all become ego-maniacal bulls in china shops, destroying our future happiness as we blindly rush in where angels fear to tread. In these out of control moments, we bulldoze through the best possible outcomes for our lives, only to return to the scene of the crime later to cry over spilt milk."
- Anthon St. Maarten

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With any major life transition there are so many moments throughout the day where your soul feels restless and unsettled. It's longing for the comfort and ease of the familiar and that can stir up a lot. 

I think that is just part of the process of change. It's a conundrum at times, when one part of you wants the change and the other wants things to stay the same. I’ve never been particularly patient during times like this. What I've learned however is that this signals the perfect opportunity for growth.

Going through a divorce and moving back home brings with it a lot of moments where my skin feels like it’s crawling and as if there are weights sitting on my chest. That familiar panic sinks in and all I want to do is run someplace, any place other then where I am. Sometimes I just want to avoid everything I'm feeling at all costs. 

Please don’t misunderstand me, I love being back in Seattle, close to my family and friends. It's been very healing and therapeutic. However, this has been the way I have worked for a long time. When life gets hard or I am faced with the call to just sit with everything I am feeling, I jump into something new and exciting. I constantly jump from one thing to the next so that I could ride the waves of that blissful newness and not have to deal with the raging uneasiness inside. I didn't want to have to sit with what I was feeling. 

What I’m finding now, more than ever, is a deep longing to learn and grow from this experience and in order to do that, I have to stay around long enough to see things from a clearer perspective. I have to allow the dust to settle and the pain and feelings to sink in. I have to get really comfortable with the uncomfortable. 

A big part of me yearns to feel grounded and secure in my life and to feel this experience deep in my guts; all of it. This to me shows how far I have come in my growth and my evolution as a person.

But a big part of me wants to run too. 

I’ve been trying to approach this whole experience with a lot of grace and stillness, which isn’t easy for an extremely anxious person like me. I've had moments I'm not exactly proud of, falling back onto old behaviors. There are days when I want nothing to do with any of it. I want my old life back, the one filled with fields of clovers and vines, warm cozy fires, big lush gardens and furry animals. And then there are days when I am so unbelievably happy with where I am. I'm so proud of myself for choosing a better life over a comfortable one. 

I’m navigating, redefining and trying to figure out my next steps but at the same time, I letting things unfold naturally and allowing the God to take the lead. 

It's painful a lot of the times yet incredibly exciting too. 

I often wonder what is it about this process that makes my heart ache one minute and cry out in joy the next? At times it’s like this bipolar dance in my brain. A week ago I was standing in the kitchen and began sobbing uncontrollably only to feel relieved and at peace a short while later. Sometimes that's the only way to let all that built up energy out. To cry and scream and shake and throw your fists in the air. Sometimes I wonder how much I can handle and if maybe I have a little bit of bipolar disorder. I'm just being honest as this chemical imbalance runs in my family. But then I realize I'm human and betrayal and heartbreak can bring out sides of us we never knew existed. I think it's easy to confuse the two. 

Have you ever experienced this? What do you do?

As I reflect on the past two and a half months I've seen a lot of growth. I can measure it with new habits and rituals which look a little something like this:

*  I’m finding grace the best way I can by developing little practices to cultivate self-love and joy and most importantly, gratitude.

*  I show up as I am. I mean, really show up no matter what I’m feeling and I make no apologies. Brokenness takes time to repair. 

* I spend a significant time in my journal. Whether it’s one sentence or pages, it’s something that allows me to take an honest look at my situation and clarify my thoughts and feelings. It settles that restless fire in my belly. It provides a deep understanding and awareness and gives me peace.

* I’m getting really comfortable with being uncomfortable. There have been nights where I feel so lonely. In the past I’d run to the fridge and tear through it like a starved animal. However, now I find a quiet spot, dim the lights and give myself permission to cry if needed or close my eyes and focus on the uneasy feeling in my chest. The more we can sit with it, move through the feeling, all of them, the more we learn and can grow into our new lives.

* I’ve spent a lot of time outside, climbing paths to the top of mountains, letting the sun kiss my checks and warm my body as sweat drips down my spine. I take notice of the beauty all around me and give thanks for the awesomeness that was created.

* I give a lot of thanks. Cultivating a practice of gratitude, even for things like divorce and heartache is important. It’s what gives us a new perspective needed to grow.

*  I feed myself wholesome, nutritionally dense foods so my immune system is strong. Emotionally trying times can weigh heavy on your body and health. Turning to healthy foods is so important to create balance within the body.

*  I’m surrounding myself by amazing, supportive, loving, fun people (AKA – my family and friends). I’m extremely lucky to have such a unique family where we find smiles and laughter in trying times. Sitting around the dinner table, sipping on wine, eating good foods and laughing, we are never short of laughter and these people give some of the best hugs around.

* I'm putting myself out there to meet new and interesting people. I'm naturally introverted so at times this can be frightening. What I'm learning is how much I love hearing other people's stories and connecting with them in unique ways. 

Life can change in the blink of an eye, for better or for worse. My life did in one single moment. has changed quickly. In my heart I know that great things are happening because I decided to take a path that was right for me. It wasn't an easy choice but it has opened many new doors.

But then again, isn't that what happens when one closes in the first place?   

Navigating Difficult Decisions Part 1 // Interview with Natalia from Achieve the Impossible

Hello hello beautiful!I'm beyond stoked for today because it's the beginning of a new video interview series I've created to help you navigate difficult decisions with stories from some pros. 

I've asked some of my fav fellow coaches to chat with me about a topic that is pretty fresh in my life and I bet it's fresh in some of yours as well. We are going to spend some time talking about how to navagate through difficult decisions and why it's important to do so. 

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Today's interview is with the ever lovely Natalia Chouklina from Achieve the Impossible. Natalia is a soulful Life Clarity Coach who beams (I love that word!) beauty and light and has such a contagious glow to her. We giggled our way through this interview and it seriously made the whole process (and my day) that much more fun. 

This one's unedited because there was just such a great vibe going on that I couldn't cut any of it. It's a bit on the longer side but totally worth every minute because Natalia discusses SO many juicy and wonderful things!

Watch it, love it, share it below -->

If you want to jump ahead to some of the juicy parts here is a little recap: 5:00 - We get into vulnerability and the "what if it doesn't work" mentality 7:14 - Natalia touches on the concept of body wisdom 8:00 - In walks resistance - we all know her! 9:37 - Natalia asks an incredibly powerful questions 10:47 - "Resist the resistance" 11:45 - We dive into the idea of beginner's mind (oh it's gettin' good!) 18:11 - We talk about the two-pronged perspective 21:40 - Natalia give THREE awesome tools you can apply to your life today to help get clear and help you make those big decisions! 27:00 - My new favorite saying "little pockets of peace" is mentioned

So what did you think? What came up when you watched this video? How can you find little "pockets of peace" in the chaos that is life?  Leave a comment and tell Natalia and I your thoughts, feelings or whatever else comes up!

To learn more about Natalia and Achieve the Impossible check her out on Facebook and join her amazing tribe!

Why not say how you really feel?

feelings

I’m back in Seattle, settling in at my brother and sister-in-law’s house where I’ll be staying for a couple of months. I’m so grateful for the family, friends and support I have and I remind myself of this every single day.

However, despite all the love and support I am getting, I’ve been met with a backlash of unexpected (and let’s be honest, not so unexpected) emotions. 

I think I was riding the wave of a self-empowerment high for the last few weeks because I finally had the courage to make that big, bold decision I knew in my heart was right that when I finally got back to Seattle it hit me. Oh my f--- God! It is real. I just left my marriage!

As my mom and her best friend were helping me move the final pieces of my belongings into storage I felt a swell of emotions creeping up. I’ve realized through this experience that I don’t like to let people see me cry or see me in a weak position. I tend to take on a stoic persona and find myself saying this phrase over and over again, “I’m okay, every minute, hour and day is different,” as a way to feel like I’m being honest but really, it’s not.

I’m really fighting vulnerability and protecting others from it as well.

So often people down play how they feel to protect others from potentially feeling awkward or uncomfortable. We also don’t necessarily want others to see that we don’t have it all together and that our life feels a little messy at times.

But is that really the best thing?

It’s true, some people will feel a little unsettled and unsure of how to handle your emotions and vulnerability but truly, I believe that most people will breath a sign of relief when you let them in on how you are really feeling. At the heart of it everyone has felt a little messy and we all just want to relate with each other. 

People also want to know how they can help and being 100% honest with them about where you are at  is only opening you both up for greater connection and giving them an opportunity to truly be there for you.

So I sat there in front of my mom and her best friend and I cried and they sat there waited for me to tell them how I felt. When I did they listened and I felt so vulnerable and it was scary and uncomfortable but in the end, I breathed a sigh of relief because I didn't have to pretend anymore. I was really honest about where I was emotionally and mentally and that felt better then telling them that every minute, hour and day is different. 

It can feel a little uncomfortable. Actually, it can feel A LOT uncomfortable because it’s vulnerable but the more we give ourselves permission to be truly honest, the more others will as well. It opens up this incredible space for a deeper connection. And isn’t that what we really all want anyway?

I invite you to take a closer look at the conversations you have with others in regards to how you are feeling. Are you giving them the safe answer because you don’t want to appear weak or burdensome? Or, are you protecting them from feeling uncomfortable? Is there a place where you can open up a little more and pave the way for a deeper connection?

Remember – even if they appear a little uncomfortable usually it’s because they are in fixer mode. You’ve shared something honest and real with them and they want to find the perfect words to help you heal, to make everything okay. It’s okay to lay the groundwork and say “I really appreciate you giving me an ear and providing a place for me to be myself and honest. I know you may want to say the perfect thing to make this all better but just know that  you being here for me and letting me share this experience with you is all I need"

Stay Calm When Shit Hits the Fan

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Life, with all its mysterious glory, is always going to throw you curveballs. I believe it has to otherwise we'd all lead very boring and simple lives and who wants that anyway? :)  Never has that been truer for me then right now.

Three weeks ago I made the decision to leave my marriage. Out of respect for my husband, all I will say is that this was the very best decision however painful, sad, confusing and scary it may be. When you get to the bare bones of it and peel back all the layers of why I made the decision I did, at the very core was the feeling that the marriage just wasn't right. I love my husband and he will always have a very special place in my heart and I wish him nothing but the best. However, it wasn't the best for me. 

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions and I can honestly say I have never been through a more difficult situation in my whole life. Although I'm no stranger to heartache (who isn’t), this is a new kind of pain that I've never experienced. It's laced with a rawness that is almost palpable at times, and can be very uncomfortable.

Admittedly in the past when my emotional shit hit the fan I would create so much internal chaos that my whole world would become overwhelming and I'd often fall into a depression. I’d use food to cope; I’d listen to sad music because I couldn’t bare to be happy, even if it was for a minute. This time however, the work I have spent doing on myself is very real and apparent. I crave something different, something more.

I no longer desire for that internal chaos and I want to really grow from this experience, the kind of growth that can only be done by allowing myself to experience all of it -- every feeling and emotion.

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If I can offer any words of wisdom from my experience so far it would be this:

It’s OK to feel the pain and I highly recommend doing so

Just don’t stay there. Give yourself permission to feel like complete shit, sad, angry, and pissed off then follow it up with gratitude. There is ALWAYS something to feel grateful for even when it seems life isn’t going your way.

It’s easy to stay in the pain but to grow from any difficult experience you have to dig deep and work through it.

Lean on your circle of support, like, I mean REALLY lean on them

In 2004 I underwent a difficult surgery removing about two feet of my colon. From there I developed a massive infection and was rushed back to the emergency room, underwent emergency surgery, had an ileostomy bag, tubs going into various parts of my body and I was confined to a hospital room for nine days.

During that time I was enveloped by so many people it was amazing. However, once the dust settled and I came home, people started to get back to their own lives and I felt abandoned. Why weren’t people reaching out to me as much anymore? I was devastated and started to grow more and more depressed and a little resentful.

Here is the thing, people still want to help and be there for you they just don’t always know exactly what to do. So you need to tell them exactly what you need. This has been a huge lesson I have been learning through my divorce too. Instead of turning inward I’m pushing myself to reach out to people and say, “hey, I need to talk do you have a few minutes?” People, the ones you trust and love, always will be there for you.

It’s okay to have moments of happiness too!

Just because you may be going through something painful doesn’t mean you can’t have eternally grateful moments of blissed-out happiness. I have been allowing myself to just go with the flow and have been pleasantly surprised when I would get gitty excited for this new journey I was embarking on. Own your decision. I chose to leave my marriage for very important reasons and now it’s my responsibility to truly take the bull by the horns and live the life I felt like I wasn’t able to live being married to my husband.

Give yourself A LOT of love and kindness

In the past when I really struggled with emotional eating and body image issues a devastating experience would leave me running straight for the freezer looking for anything to stuff down the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing.

This time is different.

I’m letting myself experience all the emotions and work through them, I’m not turning to food to fill that void. In fact, it’s been a goal of mine to nurture and nourish myself completely during this time, meaning, feeding myself with nutritious foods instead, taking quiet time when needed and really listening to what I need at every moment of the day. You can read more on this in my post, The Day I Stood in the Ice Cream Aisle.

Hone in on your intuition

People will give you so such much advice during times like this which they are doing because they love and care about you and are really just trying to help.

However, it's very important to stay connected to your own intuition. If everyone is telling you to do one thing but it just doesn’t feel right or true to you, then go with your gut. Staying connected to who you are and what you value is going to be very important. As long as you are living according to your values then I believe you really can’t make a wrong decision. I firmly believe this.

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If you are going through a difficult situation I hope that you will give yourself lots of love and kindness right now and see where you can find purpose and meaning in it all. It may require a little more digging at times but I promise you, it's there. 

And as always, I'd love to talk to you more if you are feeling stuck or unsure in your life. Reach out to me here. 

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