Sometimes the hardest part is just admitting you are worthy of it all

I remember the morning after my thirtieth birthday party very clearly. A fun filled night full of family, friends, booze and gourmet foods. Four things I love a lot. That night I felt so special, so loved and I think the picture below speaks volumes as to the amount of fun that was had by all. However, the next morning, my actual thirtieth birthday, told a very different story.  

As I peeled open my swollen and puffy eyes, my head foggy, my stomach queasy, I could feel the familiar sadness start to creep in, as if a looming dark fog was settling over my unsteady soul. I knew this feeling pretty well. I had woken with her darkness so many mornings before. 

In just a little bit, I was to get in a car and drive three hours to Eastern Washington for the Dave Matthews concert at the Gorge amphitheater with my best girlfriends to continue celebrating and I felt horribly unworthy of it all.

I felt pretty unworthy of a lot of things to be honest. 

I had just turned thirty and my life felt like a huge mess. I had moved back from Taiwan four weeks earlier, damaged the car a friend temporarily loaned me in a fender bender the DAY he loaned it to me, took a job that keep me feeling safe and was living, once again, with my parents...all at the age of thirty. Don't get me wrong, I have a DEEP love and appreciation for my folks and all the love and support they have provided me over the years. However, I just felt so ashamed of my life. I knew I had to figure out how to relinquish this feeling of unworthiness and reclaim my sense of freedom. 

I laid in bed, with my eyes closed and head pounding, wondering if I would ever pull my shit together. My heart was a mess, my spirit was dull and all those big dreams I once had were lost in a mix of tequila fuzz and self-loathing chasers. 

I needed something to change. I needed a spark to ignite the burning desire deep inside and to get me to step outside of my comfort zone and do all those really big things I had always wanted to do with my life.

Climb big mountains, travel to far off lands, be a rockstar girl boss, write and publish a book, help inspire change in others, live in Southern California, meet my love and live an adventurous life together. These were just a few. It's funny how some things never change over time though. 

As I lay there quietly in bed I felt the oddest thing. It was as if finally wanting to change bad enough was just enough to feel her darkness loosen her grip just a little. I knew in that moment this was my opportunity to escape her clasp.  It was now or never but I needed help, and before she could grab hold of me even tighter, I said a simple prayer which I believe, drove an unbreakable wedge between her darkness and my truth.  "Please help me. I cannot do this on my own any longer." Then, I peeled back the covers, sat up slowly and went about my weekend celebrating my self-proclaimed unworthy existence not knowing that I had just decided I was, in fact, very worthy. 

As I look back five and a half years later, I'm pretty amazed at what has transformed since asking for help in that moment of darkness. I wish I could say the clouds parted and bright rays of sun beamed down on me and magically, I was granted the ease I was longing for and everything started to fall into place. That wasn't exactly the case. Life got a bit easier in some ways but it also got a lot harder too. Allow me to explain.  

One of the greatest, and at times, most frustrating lessons I've had to learn over the course of my life is that you will continue to be presented with the same lesson over and over again until YOU, let me say that again, YOU, step up and take action to learn what you truly need to learn from them. My greatest lesson in this lifetime, I believe, is to accept that I am worthy of all that I want and desire and that I have all the power to create it. 

So, as I mentioned, life got easier in some ways when I asked for help and unconsciously declared that I am actually quite worthy. However, it still felt hard because I would continue to be presented with the same people and similar situations that would test me in great ways. 

The serious of events that took place from that moment on have taken my life on a really interesting and wild adventure. Each person, each experience, and every single moment has continued to teach me of my worthiness. Some of these lessons were harder then others, my failed marriage being a huge example, but was it really a failure or a lesson for me to dig even deeper and really see my value and worthiness? Walking away from a commitment like that wasn't easy but the realization that I WAS worthy of being treated better was what I needed to accept and learn. I was and am worthy of a deeper, stronger, more pure love with someone who truly sees and loves me. Accepting this one truth has helped me to see how worthy I am of other things I want for myself too. 

The career, the adventure, the unorthodox way of living, the body, the financial security and yes, the man who has the ability to love himself so much that he can love me too. 

And here is the real kicker, you are worthy of everything you want too.  

Do you even know just how worthy you are? 

The most important piece of this puzzle is identifying the things in your life that keep happening and truly believing that you are worthy of things happening differently. We may finally realize we are worthy but continue sabotaging our own happiness because we fail to understand that it is a muscle we need to constantly work. With every similar situation, it's our responsibility to do things a little differently. Can we say something in a different way? Can we forgive? Can we walk away? Can we find our voice and speak up? Can we accept the person for who they are? Can we accept the situation for what it is supposed to teach us?

My dad use to repeat this quote to me all the time. Back then I'd roll my eyes but now it's something I repeat often, "If you always do what you've always did you'll always get what you've always gotten."

The other night as I sat in my car watching the sun set over the pacific ocean I thought about my journey, how I ended up here and how I continue to be presented with people and experiences that are helping me learn this amazingly simple truth: I am worthy. Conflicts and people and situations that are making me rise up, find my voice and ultimately, lean in differently. Sometimes it feels hard. Sometimes they make me smile because I know why they are here. Sometimes I get sad because I just want this one particular lesson to be over already. And most of the time, I just say thanks. I get it.  

I smile at how far I've come and get excited about how much I still have to learn about life, others and myself. Something that use to feel daunting and so big is now an excellent example of living life as if it's just one big adventure. One thing is for certain, there is this peace in my heart that is unbreakable. I respect and admire the woman I have turned out to be and when I have a moment of being human, falling back into old patterns and habits, I nurture myself differently and remind myself that I am worthy regardless of what I sometimes say and do. 

I don't strive for perfection anymore because quite honestly, perfect is unattainable, perfect is unrealistic, perfect is boring and doesn't really exist. Worthiness doesn't come with obtaining this idea of perfection. Worthiness, like so many other things, comes with the truly believing you deserve it and then taking small steps in a different direction every time you are presented with a similar experience 

Worthiness is knowing that you do have a choice in the matter. You are the only one that can define whether or not you deserve something and then only you can go after it. 

One moment in your life could change everything. Whether you listen and make the small changes necessary from then on out, that determines everything.

So here are a few questions to real on. Chew on them. Soak them in. And then get very honest with yourself. But only do this if you actually want your life to change. 

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1. Where do you feel unworthy? In what areas of your life? 

example: For me, it was money, a healthy, loving relationship, and having a job that is creative, fun, adventurous and location independent. Those were my dreams. And those also happen to be three huge areas in your life. If one is off, then your whole life can feel off. Three were off. That says something, right?

2. What is the story behind this unworthiness?

example: Yuck, I really hate having to admit this because its super scary and vul-ner-ab-le. But vulnerable is the key to happy times ahead so here I go. Once upon a time when I was young and super impressionable,  I picked up this little story from someone close to me who said, "Don't worry Amanda, you just need to meet a man who can take care of you. You don't have to worry about a career." Ugh. There. Sounds funny saying it out loud but from that moment on, it was like a tick that burrowed deep into my skin except it was my subconscious, and I learned that my worthiness was dependent on finding someone to take care of me. It's taken a lot of self-analysis and uncovering to redefine that belief. 

3. How can you reframe it?

example: Actually,  (if you know me you know I just did a little side-to-side head motion with a twist of index finger up in the air and hands on my hip) Let. me. tell. you. I don't need someone to take care of me. My dreams are just as important and relevant and I can achieve them just like anyone else thank you very much. (this is where I get super sassy}. The truth is,  I want a partner that grows with me, that pushes me to be better every single day, that gives me room to spread my wings and fly. That supports my dreams. Sure, we all want to be taken care of in some ways but having mutual love and respect for each other and our dreams is vital for happiness. 

4. Now the fun part...WHAT do you really want? 

example: I want to have enough money in the bank to always feel secure. I want a career that is inspiring others to achieve their ultimate greatness focused on health, wellness, fitness, travel and food. I want a love with a man that is deep, pure, real, passionate, adventurous and fun. I want to travel around the world and be location independent. Can I get a high five?

5. Decide and implement daily one small step to get you closer. 

example: Today, and every day, I wake up and set one little goal. For money, I put away X amount every week so that I can feel secure if something happens or if I want to take a vacation or have an unexpected expense. For love, well, I put myself back out on the market and took it a little more seriously and told the big old UNIVERSE that I'm ready. For my career, I'm taking bold and active steps, once again, in that direction. Travel, I'm committed to two big trips in the next five months and I'm gonna make it happen. 

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You see, you really do deserve the things you want. Please believe me when I say this:

 You  Are  Worthy. 

Old Habits Sometimes Die Hard: Thoughts on Dating After Divorce

Dating has been on my mind a lot lately. Some people may say, "but Amanda, you've only been out of your marriage for four months. It's way too soon to start dating" However, what I've come to realize is the complexity of each individual relationship is just that, complex. How to determine if you are truly ready to take that next step is personal and different for everyone going through this experience. Most of what I think about in all honestly is wondering when I will actually be ready to put myself out there again.  How will I know? How do I do it it? Tinder, through friends, dating sites? Is it now? Maybe three months from now? A year? I've been trying to identify what it will feel like when I am finally in an okay place to feel that kind of vulnerability once again. This thought alone makes my heart beat quicken. 

I keep telling myself that I’ll just know. My intuition, my gut, my all knowing, it will tell me.

Some days I feel really excited to explore this unfamiliar world once again and other days I feel like I'll never be ready, like I just need more time. A lot more time.

I need time to continue processing the end of a marriage that seemed too short but at times, far too long. There are days when I need more time to dive deeper, feel deeper, forgive, cry, try to understand. And then there are days, lots of them, where I laugh and smile and am filled with such an incredible feeling of hope and possibility and dating seems sexy and fun. 

I know I want to fully acknowledge and understand what I deserve and want from a new partner. Most importantly however, I just need more time to fall deeper in love with myself before I can fall in love with someone else. 

I use to view dating as this overwhelming obligation because I wanted the end result. I thought it would fix me, make me whole. I wanted what looked perfect on paper, to feel secure, settle down and have kids. I wanted to be in the throws of comfort, that all knowing and move on with the natural progression of what my preconceived ideas of marriage were.

Here I am however, back in a place I was once so happy to leave yet happy to be here once again.

Single. 

This time it’s different though. There is freedom. There is peace. There is excitement. There is possibility. There is adventure. There is a new love for myself, a new love for my life. It's organic and deep and it feels really good. 

Sure, I have days where I'm sad. The past few days have been that way. It creeps up out of nowhere and grabs hold of my tender heart but really it isn't that sneaky, it's always there. Sometimes we find the best distractions to fool us into believing that maybe it is gone. Until you look it straight in the eye however, it will always be there. 

Recently I found myself in a situation where I was flirting with danger. Literally. I had found a good distraction with the attention of someone I was really attracted to, someone I was growing to like, someone who was fun and exciting. Someone who from day one told me he was emotionally unavailable.

In the past, those words were like a drug to me. The more I heard it the more it was a challenge for me. “Oh yeah? I’ll show you. You wont be able to resist me.” 

Old habits die hard. 

It was like a game to me. Part of me wanted to make them realize how amazing I was and the other part of me found comfort and safety in hearing those words because I knew our rendezvous wouldn't last and I wouldn't have to fully expose myself. Eventually, I would end up hurt, and mending my broken heart once again. Within that pain there was also my comfort.

I flirted with danger for a couple weeks until I admitted to my best girlfriend that I was merely going down the same path I always go down. It was familiar, it's what I knew but I want my life to be different. I was preventing real growth and one day, real love from happening. 

I ended it before it really even began and was proud of my decision because it shows that I have come a long way. I am learning from my past. I have grown.

If I have learned anything over the years it is that people always tell you who they are and where they are right away and you must believe them. There is no amount of trying to convince someone that you are amazing and beautiful and funny and sexy. All which may be true but you shouldn’t have to convince anyone of anything. Most importably, you should believe it yourself and then the right person will see it too. They will be available in ways you’ve never experienced before as long as you are ready to receive it.

I think about what I want and deserve now and my priorities have completely changed. As I continue to get to know myself in a deeper, more profoundly loving way, what I want for my life and what I want in a partner is first and foremost, a kind of availability I've never been open to before.

I grow more excited about the possibility of a different kind of love, on a level that is deeper then I've ever experienced. This starts first with myself and then, when the time is right, with a partner.

There is a freedom that comes with putting yourself back out there and having some fun and exploring the world and those who are commingling in it with you. And then there is a freedom in trusting yourself and having your own back when you know something isn't right. 

When I finally arrive at a place where I feel ready to get back out there, which may be tomorrow or months down the road, I want to stay committed to myself, my hopes, dreams, wants and desires. I want to remember why I left my marriage to begin with and remain open to finding someone equally amazing and most importantly, emotionally available.

I am committed to breaking my old patterns and creating new, healthy ones because it's the only way for me to live now. Moving forward, not backwards. 

There is real opportunity here to continue evolving into the women I want to be and honestly, already am.. It begins by listening to my intuition in a way I haven’t in the past, to know that I am worth so much more then trying to convince someone of my specialness. No convincing should ever be needed because all you truly need is to believe in yourself, to love yourself enough.

There may be a lot of fish in the sea but I believe the right one is out there waiting for me just as much as I am waiting for him. In order to find each other we have to continue listening to what it is we want deep down inside, to continue living our own lives, finding happiness, joy and love within ourselves.

Our paths will cross and when they do we’ll look at each other with a knowing smile that simply says, “Oh hey, there you are.”

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Are you an innie or an outie?

I'm not talkin' about belly buttons here! I'm talking about introverts and extroverts! I believe that knowing this one thing about yourself, could have a dramatic affect on your life in a really positive way!

Watch the video and then read below as I discuss why knowing this about myself has really allowed me to honor who I am and be a better person.

http://youtu.be/u9tCg8oY8Zc

So just after watching this video what do you think you are? Introvert or extrovert?

I knew from a very early age that I hated being the center of attention and I really loved spending quality time alone. However, I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I tried desperately to 'fit in' pushing myself in ways that just didn't feel natural to me and I always fell short of my own expectations. I was never talkative enough at parties, finding myself in the back corner just watching and observing what was going on and after days in a row of scheduled plans I would need a whole day all alone at home to recuperate. All the while I thought something was wrong with me.

Turns out, nothing was wrong with me, I'm just an introvert!

Once I started to really understand what that means I was able to tailor my schedule to meet my personal needs. I try not to commit to too many things in a row, giving myself an evening to do my introverted thing, and I really value that I prefer a few intimate relationships over a dozen acquaintances. Knowing this about myself has strengthened my friendships because I'm not putting unrealistic pressure to go out and befriend everyone.

I am really honest with myself and in doing so become a happier person. I always think it's great to push ourselves a little outside of our comfort zone. That is where amazing change happens after all, but I also now know when I need to take a day to myself and reboot my batteries.

I'll be talking more about this in future post but here are a few ways to determine whether you are an introvert or an extrovert.

You may be an introvert if the following statement generally applies to you:

• I am seen as "reflective" or "reserved"
• I feel comfortable being alone and like things I can do on my own
• I prefer to know just a few people well
• I sometimes spend too much time reflecting and don't move into action quickly enough
• I sometimes forget to check with the outside world to see if my ideas really fit the experience

You may be an extrovert if the following statement generally applies to you:

• I am seen as "outgoing" and as a "people person"
• I feel comfortable in groups and like working in them
• I have a wide range of friends and know lots of people
• I sometimes jump to quickly into an activity and don't allow enough time to think it over
• Before I start a project, I sometimes forget to stop and get clear on what I want to do and why

After reading over these statements ask yourself how you can really honor who you truly are. What can you do to get more aligned with your introvert or extrovert ways?

More to come! Have a fantastic week my friends!

When Your Self-Care Routine Becomes a Burden

 

Self-care has become a bit of a buzz word. It's everywhere, popping up more and more the further you get into the world of self-discovery and inquiry. But what exactly is it?

To me, self-care is the act and attitude you take to maintain a standard of well-being, health and personal happiness. It's those things that add a richness to your life, that make you feel full, nurtured and taken care of.

But what happens when you rituals of self-care become too much and start to impede on all of the above? Is that even possible?

I was talking with a client the other day and she mentioned that she was feeling like her self-care routine was starting to feel like a burden. I asked her what she meant by this and she told me how she got up at 5:30am, before her family was up,  just so she would have enough time to do all the things that she felt would add to her happiness, fulfillment and betterment as a person. Except, it wasn't. It was stressing her out and causing her to feel depleted and disappointed when she couldn't get to everything.

I asked her why she felt she needed to include everything in her self-care routine and she replied that they were all things she really wanted to make a part of her life. They were habits and behaviors she valued and brought joy, peace and happiness to others, and thought they would bring that to her as well.

I paused for a moment before asking her my next question. "What do you think you should do then?" I asked.

She continued to tell me how it was causing additional stress on top of everything else that was overwhelming her. When she couldn't commit to something fully then she felt disappointed. She was lacking excitement to participate in them because they were feeling like a chore.

"I probably need to look over my routine and remove the things that don't feel right to me anymore." She replied.

BINGO!

I think this is something that anyone who is aware and committed to adding in self-care to their daily lives goes through. We all know how important it is to do things that we love, those things that make us feel alive and nurtured and well taking care of, but there are only so many hours in they day.  In our ideal world we'd be able to carve out enough time to leisurely go about our day, pausing for 20 minutes here and there to meditate, followed by an hour-long yoga class, and walk outside and come home to a nice warm bath. Maybe some days you can do this but when it starts to impede on your happiness, when you start to look at those things like just another thing on your list of things to do,  it's time to take a good, hard look at your current reality.

I'm a HUGE believer in self-care rituals. I talk about how important it is all the time with clients however, when it starts to feel like a chore, then it's a sign you have taken on too many acts of self-love and you aren't fully able to commit to and absorb their benefits. Therefore, it turns into yet another chore or task we need to do.

I told my client that maybe she needed to write a list of everything she did in a day to promote self-care and cross out the things that were weighing her down and making her feel conflicted and stressed and do those things that really filled her soul with a deeper sense of self-love.

When we do this we are able to really get the full benefits of self-care.

Remember this when you are thinking about your self-care routing; it's quality over quantity. It's not how many things we can fit into our day but how those things make us feel inside.

Reader Challenge -- If you are feeling like your self-care routine is adding more stress than feelings of nurturing and love, reassess what you are doing and remove that which feels more like a burden and invest more into what you keep.

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I Am Beautiful

I was taking a yoga class last week with one of my favorite yoga teachers. She my favorite because she radiates authenticity to me. She radiates love, happiness, and a deep understand that taking life too seriously is for the birds.

As I was lying there, we started class on our backs, she read something powerful to us. She read about accepting those things about ourselves that to us, seem like flaws, as our uniqueness. As I rested on my back and she spoke the words, something resonated deep within me and I had a moment where I got the biggest smile on my face and quietly to myself I said 'yes!'

I am beautiful.

All those things I've picked apart for years, they are what make me who I am. When we embrace them, our truest self can totally shine and illuminate the world.

Later that week as I was reading in my book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, I came across this very passage.  It says:

"Often what we think of as the things "wrong" with us are only our expressions of our own individuality. This is our uniqueness and what is special about us. Nature never repeats itself. Since time began on this planet, there have never been two snowflakes alike or two rain-drops the same. And every daisy is different from every other daisy. Our fingerprints are different, and we are different. We are meant to be different. When we can accept this, then there is no competition and no comparison. To Try to be like another is to shrivel our soul. We have come to this planet to express who we are.

I've spent so many moments in my life picking apart all the things that are different, all the 'flaws' that I thought made me less than.

I use to sit in front of a mirror at the age of 4 and try to scratch off my freckles, already at such a young age trying to rid myself of my so-called imperfections, my so-called differences.

When I hit my teens and my frizzy, curly hair was so different then all my friends perfectly straight long locks, I would rise at the wee hours of the morning to begin a long and tedious task of straightening out my kinks.

These things today make me who I am. They are what sets me apart from everyone else and I've learned to not only embrace them but truly love them.

Lately I've been having a hard time with the fact that I, truth be told, am aging. My perfectly wrinkle free skin is starting to show the wear and tear of the years of basking in the sun without sun screen and abusing my body, pumping it full of bad foods, too much alcohol and the occasional harder substance.  Instead of looking in the mirror and noticing how gracefully I am aging, how life has been good to me, I've been focused on the new lines around my eyes.

However, as I was lying in my yoga class listening to my teacher I felt a knot in my throat and tears start to well in my eyes.

I am beautiful...just how I am.

It was a powerful moment for me. For the first time I realized that every single last thing about me is perfect. I don't have to be a certain size, my hair can be what ever texture it naturally is, and the wrinkles around my eyes are a sign of living life and growing wiser.

Sure, I may struggle every now and then in the future with those thoughts but I know I have the power within me to make sure they are only fleeting, passing by and leaving again with the breeze.

I encourage you, my dear ones to look in the mirror and instead of seeing your so-called flaws, see all of the amazing things that make you you. One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. Suess:

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer then you!

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