feeling fit, free and thirty-five and what that means in this chapter of life

(Read to the bottom to here about a special offer for you)

I've never really been one to stick to one particular diet. Except for the three years that I choose, for ethical and health reasons, to eat a strict vegan diet, I've never truly committed to one modality of eating. I have however, been extremely interested in learning about the vastness that is health, wellness and nutrition and have learned to apply what makes sense to me and my life. My natural curiosity began at a very young age and I think I started eating quiona in 2001 before it became the superfood staple that it is today because I read about it's superpowers in a health magazine.

However, I was a bit of a conundrum. Despite my natural curiosity and love of health, nutrition, fitness and personal development, I struggled with body acceptance and the way I looked for a very long time. I spent about fifteen years trapped in a cycle of shame surrounding an, at times, crippling eating disorder. I've shared this journey here if you'd like to read more. 

Fortunately, through a lot of personal growth and discovery and coming to a deep understanding of where my body dysmorphia stemmed from, I've learned the tools to be able to reframe the way I see myself and how I feel in my skin. 

I've also, at a very young age, had my body betray me in the worst kind of way. Getting colon cancer at twenty-four, having part of my large intestine removed, developing a major complication/infection, having to have "The Bag" for three months, more surgeries, lots of recovery and THEN having to learn how to work with a new body that felt broken was to say the least, a lot. 

Learning to find a deep sense of appreciation for the body has been a huge journey. 

So naturally, sharing what follows feels a little superficial but, in my efforts to always being transparent, this is part of my journey too. With that being said, I've noticed over the course of the last few years, as I pass threw my early thirties and climb over that inevitable hill into my mid to late thirties, some new and interesting thoughts appearing about the way I look. I'm starting to realize the importance, now more then ever, to maintain a regular healthy diet and exercise routine and even more focus on acceptance and self-love. 

One of the stories I attached myself to at some point or another is that as you get older, things just don't work the way they use to and that is just the way it is. The damaging part of this story is the, "That is just the way it is." I discovered that I started using this as a way to be more complacent and as an excuse for not doing the things I once loved doing. 

It is true that as you get older, things change. Your body changes. Your ability to gain weight is easier and losing weight feels harder. Things start to droop a little and lines and creases form where you once had none. I remember right after my thirtieth birthday I looked in the mirror and saw the horizontal creases on my forehead and my jaw dropped. I guess I just never thought I was going to...age. I've always felt energetically and physically a lot younger then I was but its inevitable. We all age, we all get older. 

 So a huge part of my growing over the last few years is finding a sense of appreciation and acceptance for my body in a whole new light. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people will look at me and probably roll their eyes. I look a lot younger then I am. However, I think it's important to understand that everyone has their shit. Everyone has the stuff they are hyper cryptical of and we all have a past, that at times, can creep back up and start to tell old stories. 

I recognized that it was time to lay out all the stories I have about aging and revamp and redefine them in a way that is aligned to how I REALLY feel inside and how I will allow myself to feel moving forward. 

Then one day recently, as I was scrolling Instagram, I landed on a woman's page, a fellow health and wellness warrior and San Diegoan (is that how you spell it?), and I started watching the things she posted more closely. There was something about her that just really inspired me. Something that left me thinking, "You know, our lives are made up of the stories that we tell ourselves every single day. What stories do I need to reframe? What stories do I, Amanda, have the power to change and reshape?" Eventually I felt compelled to reach out to her and learn more about all of these workouts she was doing and she invited me to join one of her challenges and I thought, why not? There is no greater time then now to be exactly who I want to be or better put, exactly who I really am. 

So about a week ago I started doing the workouts and paying closer attention to what I was eating, careful however, to use the tools I've garnered over the years to not fall back into old, obsessive behaviors. This photo is my before. 

As I mentioned in the Instagram post, my goals aren't exactly to lose weight. My goals are to feel my absolute best, inside and out, as I move into my second half of my thirties. In all honesty, it's been something I've struggled with, especially after my divorce two years ago. With 100% transparency, my whole marriage and the end of it left me feeling broken and self-conscious in so many of ways. I had no idea it would take me so long to put the pieces back together and discover who I was again. My goal is, and always has been since the minute I walked away, was to rebuild myself and life from the inside out. 

So, the number on the scale doesn't mean much to me but the way I feel in my skin, that changes everything. Feeling good in your skin helps our confidence and inner spirit shine brighter. When we shine our brightest we inspire others to feel safe doing so too.

As we pull ourselves out of the darkness of winter and into the lightness of spring (at least in San Diego), I think its safe to say we all feel so much better when we are surrounded by brightness and warmth, am I right? 

So I ask you this, what is something you are telling yourself right now that isn't exactly the truth, is just a story you picked up along the way and made it your own? Now, how can you reframe it to be more truthful and aligned to who you are?

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And for those of you that want to know exactly what it is I'm doing, here are the details. 

Workout

21 day fix extreme or 21 day fix
 

What I REALLY love about this workout, like the others I've done, is that I can do them from the comfort of my own home, they are 30 minutes and you walk away feeling like you got a killer workout. You can always add on another if you want a little more. Sometimes I'll add cardio or a 10 minute abs. What is really awesome is you feel and see results pretty quickly.

I love working out from home. I know this seems to be one of the biggest issues for a lot of people, they feel like they just aren't motivated enough, but seriously, the hardest part is putting on your workout clothes and pushing play. Once you are in it, you are in it and the 30 minutes goes by quickly. 

diet and nutrition

superfood shake: Vegan Chocolate

As I mentioned above, I don't really follow a particular diet. This program gives you a plan which is nice for anyone who needs more detailed guidance. I eat pretty intuitively, meaning, I listen to what my body is craving and ask why, then eat according to whatever answers I come up with. This isn't a freebie to eat poorly. If I'm craving junk, well, I know enough by now that I'm probably really craving more nurturing and love. 

I have added in a new superfood shake/smoothie. One thing about me is that I do not like a lot of over the counter shakes. They usually are way too chalky for me but this one is legit. I was a little nervous at first because I truly believe in getting our nutrition from real, whole foods but that is exactly what this is.  The ingredients in this are just that. 

The proprietary superfood formula was designed to provide you with vital nutrients to help you lose weight (if that is part of your goal), maintain healthy cholesterol, and support healthy blood sugar levels. A huge component of this shake is made up of super foods that I was taking already to support healthy digestion, energy levels, thyroid/adrenal support, and longevity. 

Look at these:

Protein derived from (helps build lean muscle and reduce cravings): Chia, Flax, Quinoa, Rice, Pea and Oat.

Super-fruit/antioxidants (immune support):  Camu-camu, acerola Cherry, Bilberry, Goji Berry, Green Tea, Luo Han Guo, Pmegranate, Rose Hips. 

Super-green and Phytonutrient Blend( support health and vitality): Moringa, Chlorella, Spirulina, Spinach and Kale.

Adaptogen Blend (helps body adapt and respond to stress): Ashwagandha, Astragalus, Cordyceps, Ginkgo, Maca, Maitake, Reishi, Schisandra.

Pre and Probiotic and Digestive Enzyme Blend (help absorb nutrients and support regular healthy digestion): Yacon Root, Chicory Root, Lactobacillus Sporogenes, Amylase, Cellulase, Lactase, Glucoamylase, Alpha-Lalactosidase, Invertase. 

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So, if you know me you know that all of these ingredients are pretty sexy to me and I bet they sound pretty intriguing to you as well!

So, now you are probably thinking, I've read all the way down to the bottom, what's in this for me? What is this special offer just for me? 

Well, I'm thinking that maybe part of my story resonated with you. Maybe, like me, you want to feel your absolute best, despite your age. Maybe you are ready to let go of some of those old stories that have been circling around your head and adopt some new, life affirming and life changing ones. Maybe you, yourself are ready to join a challenge with me? 

Together, we can, not only change ourselves, but change the way we feel inside and out by leading by example, that no matter where you are in life, no matter what you have gone through, what you are going through, or where you are showing up from today, you can begin by saying yes, signing up and joining in the movement to brighten the world. 

I just think that is so amazing that we have the choice. Don't you?

Want to know more? Email me right now and let's start a conversation on how you can begin feeling your very best. The conversation is FREE, the changes you'll make, well, those are priceless!
 

What Do You Do When Your Soul Feels Restless

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"Patience is the antidote to the restless poison of the Ego. Without it we all become ego-maniacal bulls in china shops, destroying our future happiness as we blindly rush in where angels fear to tread. In these out of control moments, we bulldoze through the best possible outcomes for our lives, only to return to the scene of the crime later to cry over spilt milk."
- Anthon St. Maarten

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With any major life transition there are so many moments throughout the day where your soul feels restless and unsettled. It's longing for the comfort and ease of the familiar and that can stir up a lot. 

I think that is just part of the process of change. It's a conundrum at times, when one part of you wants the change and the other wants things to stay the same. I’ve never been particularly patient during times like this. What I've learned however is that this signals the perfect opportunity for growth.

Going through a divorce and moving back home brings with it a lot of moments where my skin feels like it’s crawling and as if there are weights sitting on my chest. That familiar panic sinks in and all I want to do is run someplace, any place other then where I am. Sometimes I just want to avoid everything I'm feeling at all costs. 

Please don’t misunderstand me, I love being back in Seattle, close to my family and friends. It's been very healing and therapeutic. However, this has been the way I have worked for a long time. When life gets hard or I am faced with the call to just sit with everything I am feeling, I jump into something new and exciting. I constantly jump from one thing to the next so that I could ride the waves of that blissful newness and not have to deal with the raging uneasiness inside. I didn't want to have to sit with what I was feeling. 

What I’m finding now, more than ever, is a deep longing to learn and grow from this experience and in order to do that, I have to stay around long enough to see things from a clearer perspective. I have to allow the dust to settle and the pain and feelings to sink in. I have to get really comfortable with the uncomfortable. 

A big part of me yearns to feel grounded and secure in my life and to feel this experience deep in my guts; all of it. This to me shows how far I have come in my growth and my evolution as a person.

But a big part of me wants to run too. 

I’ve been trying to approach this whole experience with a lot of grace and stillness, which isn’t easy for an extremely anxious person like me. I've had moments I'm not exactly proud of, falling back onto old behaviors. There are days when I want nothing to do with any of it. I want my old life back, the one filled with fields of clovers and vines, warm cozy fires, big lush gardens and furry animals. And then there are days when I am so unbelievably happy with where I am. I'm so proud of myself for choosing a better life over a comfortable one. 

I’m navigating, redefining and trying to figure out my next steps but at the same time, I letting things unfold naturally and allowing the God to take the lead. 

It's painful a lot of the times yet incredibly exciting too. 

I often wonder what is it about this process that makes my heart ache one minute and cry out in joy the next? At times it’s like this bipolar dance in my brain. A week ago I was standing in the kitchen and began sobbing uncontrollably only to feel relieved and at peace a short while later. Sometimes that's the only way to let all that built up energy out. To cry and scream and shake and throw your fists in the air. Sometimes I wonder how much I can handle and if maybe I have a little bit of bipolar disorder. I'm just being honest as this chemical imbalance runs in my family. But then I realize I'm human and betrayal and heartbreak can bring out sides of us we never knew existed. I think it's easy to confuse the two. 

Have you ever experienced this? What do you do?

As I reflect on the past two and a half months I've seen a lot of growth. I can measure it with new habits and rituals which look a little something like this:

*  I’m finding grace the best way I can by developing little practices to cultivate self-love and joy and most importantly, gratitude.

*  I show up as I am. I mean, really show up no matter what I’m feeling and I make no apologies. Brokenness takes time to repair. 

* I spend a significant time in my journal. Whether it’s one sentence or pages, it’s something that allows me to take an honest look at my situation and clarify my thoughts and feelings. It settles that restless fire in my belly. It provides a deep understanding and awareness and gives me peace.

* I’m getting really comfortable with being uncomfortable. There have been nights where I feel so lonely. In the past I’d run to the fridge and tear through it like a starved animal. However, now I find a quiet spot, dim the lights and give myself permission to cry if needed or close my eyes and focus on the uneasy feeling in my chest. The more we can sit with it, move through the feeling, all of them, the more we learn and can grow into our new lives.

* I’ve spent a lot of time outside, climbing paths to the top of mountains, letting the sun kiss my checks and warm my body as sweat drips down my spine. I take notice of the beauty all around me and give thanks for the awesomeness that was created.

* I give a lot of thanks. Cultivating a practice of gratitude, even for things like divorce and heartache is important. It’s what gives us a new perspective needed to grow.

*  I feed myself wholesome, nutritionally dense foods so my immune system is strong. Emotionally trying times can weigh heavy on your body and health. Turning to healthy foods is so important to create balance within the body.

*  I’m surrounding myself by amazing, supportive, loving, fun people (AKA – my family and friends). I’m extremely lucky to have such a unique family where we find smiles and laughter in trying times. Sitting around the dinner table, sipping on wine, eating good foods and laughing, we are never short of laughter and these people give some of the best hugs around.

* I'm putting myself out there to meet new and interesting people. I'm naturally introverted so at times this can be frightening. What I'm learning is how much I love hearing other people's stories and connecting with them in unique ways. 

Life can change in the blink of an eye, for better or for worse. My life did in one single moment. has changed quickly. In my heart I know that great things are happening because I decided to take a path that was right for me. It wasn't an easy choice but it has opened many new doors.

But then again, isn't that what happens when one closes in the first place?   

Stay Calm When Shit Hits the Fan

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Life, with all its mysterious glory, is always going to throw you curveballs. I believe it has to otherwise we'd all lead very boring and simple lives and who wants that anyway? :)  Never has that been truer for me then right now.

Three weeks ago I made the decision to leave my marriage. Out of respect for my husband, all I will say is that this was the very best decision however painful, sad, confusing and scary it may be. When you get to the bare bones of it and peel back all the layers of why I made the decision I did, at the very core was the feeling that the marriage just wasn't right. I love my husband and he will always have a very special place in my heart and I wish him nothing but the best. However, it wasn't the best for me. 

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions and I can honestly say I have never been through a more difficult situation in my whole life. Although I'm no stranger to heartache (who isn’t), this is a new kind of pain that I've never experienced. It's laced with a rawness that is almost palpable at times, and can be very uncomfortable.

Admittedly in the past when my emotional shit hit the fan I would create so much internal chaos that my whole world would become overwhelming and I'd often fall into a depression. I’d use food to cope; I’d listen to sad music because I couldn’t bare to be happy, even if it was for a minute. This time however, the work I have spent doing on myself is very real and apparent. I crave something different, something more.

I no longer desire for that internal chaos and I want to really grow from this experience, the kind of growth that can only be done by allowing myself to experience all of it -- every feeling and emotion.

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If I can offer any words of wisdom from my experience so far it would be this:

It’s OK to feel the pain and I highly recommend doing so

Just don’t stay there. Give yourself permission to feel like complete shit, sad, angry, and pissed off then follow it up with gratitude. There is ALWAYS something to feel grateful for even when it seems life isn’t going your way.

It’s easy to stay in the pain but to grow from any difficult experience you have to dig deep and work through it.

Lean on your circle of support, like, I mean REALLY lean on them

In 2004 I underwent a difficult surgery removing about two feet of my colon. From there I developed a massive infection and was rushed back to the emergency room, underwent emergency surgery, had an ileostomy bag, tubs going into various parts of my body and I was confined to a hospital room for nine days.

During that time I was enveloped by so many people it was amazing. However, once the dust settled and I came home, people started to get back to their own lives and I felt abandoned. Why weren’t people reaching out to me as much anymore? I was devastated and started to grow more and more depressed and a little resentful.

Here is the thing, people still want to help and be there for you they just don’t always know exactly what to do. So you need to tell them exactly what you need. This has been a huge lesson I have been learning through my divorce too. Instead of turning inward I’m pushing myself to reach out to people and say, “hey, I need to talk do you have a few minutes?” People, the ones you trust and love, always will be there for you.

It’s okay to have moments of happiness too!

Just because you may be going through something painful doesn’t mean you can’t have eternally grateful moments of blissed-out happiness. I have been allowing myself to just go with the flow and have been pleasantly surprised when I would get gitty excited for this new journey I was embarking on. Own your decision. I chose to leave my marriage for very important reasons and now it’s my responsibility to truly take the bull by the horns and live the life I felt like I wasn’t able to live being married to my husband.

Give yourself A LOT of love and kindness

In the past when I really struggled with emotional eating and body image issues a devastating experience would leave me running straight for the freezer looking for anything to stuff down the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing.

This time is different.

I’m letting myself experience all the emotions and work through them, I’m not turning to food to fill that void. In fact, it’s been a goal of mine to nurture and nourish myself completely during this time, meaning, feeding myself with nutritious foods instead, taking quiet time when needed and really listening to what I need at every moment of the day. You can read more on this in my post, The Day I Stood in the Ice Cream Aisle.

Hone in on your intuition

People will give you so such much advice during times like this which they are doing because they love and care about you and are really just trying to help.

However, it's very important to stay connected to your own intuition. If everyone is telling you to do one thing but it just doesn’t feel right or true to you, then go with your gut. Staying connected to who you are and what you value is going to be very important. As long as you are living according to your values then I believe you really can’t make a wrong decision. I firmly believe this.

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If you are going through a difficult situation I hope that you will give yourself lots of love and kindness right now and see where you can find purpose and meaning in it all. It may require a little more digging at times but I promise you, it's there. 

And as always, I'd love to talk to you more if you are feeling stuck or unsure in your life. Reach out to me here. 

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