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Life, with all its mysterious glory, is always going to throw you curveballs. I believe it has to otherwise we'd all lead very boring and simple lives and who wants that anyway? :) Never has that been truer for me then right now.
Three weeks ago I made the decision to leave my marriage. Out of respect for my husband, all I will say is that this was the very best decision however painful, sad, confusing and scary it may be. When you get to the bare bones of it and peel back all the layers of why I made the decision I did, at the very core was the feeling that the marriage just wasn't right. I love my husband and he will always have a very special place in my heart and I wish him nothing but the best. However, it wasn't the best for me.
The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions and I can honestly say I have never been through a more difficult situation in my whole life. Although I'm no stranger to heartache (who isn’t), this is a new kind of pain that I've never experienced. It's laced with a rawness that is almost palpable at times, and can be very uncomfortable.
Admittedly in the past when my emotional shit hit the fan I would create so much internal chaos that my whole world would become overwhelming and I'd often fall into a depression. I’d use food to cope; I’d listen to sad music because I couldn’t bare to be happy, even if it was for a minute. This time however, the work I have spent doing on myself is very real and apparent. I crave something different, something more.
I no longer desire for that internal chaos and I want to really grow from this experience, the kind of growth that can only be done by allowing myself to experience all of it -- every feeling and emotion.
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If I can offer any words of wisdom from my experience so far it would be this:
It’s OK to feel the pain and I highly recommend doing so
Just don’t stay there. Give yourself permission to feel like complete shit, sad, angry, and pissed off then follow it up with gratitude. There is ALWAYS something to feel grateful for even when it seems life isn’t going your way.
It’s easy to stay in the pain but to grow from any difficult experience you have to dig deep and work through it.
Lean on your circle of support, like, I mean REALLY lean on them
In 2004 I underwent a difficult surgery removing about two feet of my colon. From there I developed a massive infection and was rushed back to the emergency room, underwent emergency surgery, had an ileostomy bag, tubs going into various parts of my body and I was confined to a hospital room for nine days.
During that time I was enveloped by so many people it was amazing. However, once the dust settled and I came home, people started to get back to their own lives and I felt abandoned. Why weren’t people reaching out to me as much anymore? I was devastated and started to grow more and more depressed and a little resentful.
Here is the thing, people still want to help and be there for you they just don’t always know exactly what to do. So you need to tell them exactly what you need. This has been a huge lesson I have been learning through my divorce too. Instead of turning inward I’m pushing myself to reach out to people and say, “hey, I need to talk do you have a few minutes?” People, the ones you trust and love, always will be there for you.
It’s okay to have moments of happiness too!
Just because you may be going through something painful doesn’t mean you can’t have eternally grateful moments of blissed-out happiness. I have been allowing myself to just go with the flow and have been pleasantly surprised when I would get gitty excited for this new journey I was embarking on.
Own your decision. I chose to leave my marriage for very important reasons and now it’s my responsibility to truly take the bull by the horns and live the life I felt like I wasn’t able to live being married to my husband.
Give yourself A LOT of love and kindness
In the past when I really struggled with emotional eating and body image issues a devastating experience would leave me running straight for the freezer looking for anything to stuff down the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing.
This time is different.
I’m letting myself experience all the emotions and work through them, I’m not turning to food to fill that void. In fact, it’s been a goal of mine to nurture and nourish myself completely during this time, meaning, feeding myself with nutritious foods instead, taking quiet time when needed and really listening to what I need at every moment of the day. You can read more on this in my post, The Day I Stood in the Ice Cream Aisle.
Hone in on your intuition
People will give you so such much advice during times like this which they are doing because they love and care about you and are really just trying to help.
However, it's very important to stay connected to your own intuition. If everyone is telling you to do one thing but it just doesn’t feel right or true to you, then go with your gut. Staying connected to who you are and what you value is going to be very important. As long as you are living according to your values then I believe you really can’t make a wrong decision. I firmly believe this.
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If you are going through a difficult situation I hope that you will give yourself lots of love and kindness right now and see where you can find purpose and meaning in it all. It may require a little more digging at times but I promise you, it's there.
And as always, I'd love to talk to you more if you are feeling stuck or unsure in your life. Reach out to me here.
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