One year later - this is what a year of cancer looks like

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. - Unknown. 

I've tried really hard to find the right words to share what this week means to me but I'm falling short. 

What I really want to say is thank you. 

Thank you for supporting me and holding me up when I was unable to do so on my own. 

Thank you for allowing me to be so raw and authentic and feel safe to bare my soul during this difficult time.

Thank you for laughing with me while I'd find my way out of the darkness and back into my funny and sassy self. 

Thank you for all the notes, messages, comments, flowers, gifts, dinners, prayers, good thoughts, energy, and most importantly, love. 

I truly would not have been able to do the last year without you. 

I don't know what the future holds and to be honest, whatever comes my way I know I'll handle it just the same. 

Often you read that difficult times will make sense down the road. I'm not sure if that is always the case. Some situations just never make sense. However, I know for me, it is. All of this is starting to make just a little more sense. 

Most importantly though, this last year has taught me just how important it is to have faith and to be okay with asking for help. 

I did my best to document the year in photos. One thing was consistent, as much pain I was in, I often found myself smiling. A lot. And that felt really nice. 

To many healthy years ahead. 

This is what a year of cancer looked like. 

---

A few days after being diagnosed...a love of my life found his way into my heart. 

I had a real life Grey's Anatomy experience with a room full of interns...

I was surrounded by love and friends who give uplifting gifts that make your stitches hurt from laughing...

Family came to visit and take care of me and I got the most amazing one-on-one time with my sis-in-law...

And my older bro...never finished that chicken coop though :) 

I had lots of pokes, prods, needles and procedures. So many. 

But I had my first art opening...

And a trip to Joshua Tree...

And a drive north to Seattle...

To be with the three other loves of my life...

I walked into my first day of treatment ready to face it all...

And then flew to Miami a few days into treatment and found a few days of solitude...

My favorite part was crossing each treatment off...

And just like that, six weeks, five days a week...was finished. 

And I turned that page...

And took myself to Idyllwild for my birthday, rented a little cabin in the woods and hiked for the first time since treatment ended...

Sadly, I lost the other love of my life. 10 1/2 years together and I will never forget his love. 

And I met my women for our Red Tent. I didn't leave this spot all weekend. 

Spent Christmas with my soul sister...

And enjoyed life.

that's a wrap

Dating: For all you ghost out there. This one is for you.

It's a doggy dog dating world these days and ladies and gents, apparently, some of them don't come out alive cause there are a bunch of ghosts out there. 

It's been a long time since I wrote about dating. 

Mainly, if I'm honest, I had taken a bit of a break. 

However, recently I put myself back out there only to have had an experience that made me want to shed some light on a kind of new, not so new phenomenon that is extremely prevalent in the dating world:

ghosting

Dating to me is an off and on again thing. Sometimes I'm really into it, sometimes it's the furthest thing from my mind.

Last year, I didn't think it was entirely fair to put myself out into the dating scene when I was going through something so consuming that required a lot of my attention to be on myself.  That's not to say that dealing with an illness makes you any less of a person to date. Honestly, I think going through something major in your life makes you have a deep understanding of yourself, what you are looking for and what's important.  

I actually did meet someone right as I started radiation last July and we dated briefly before we realized we'd be better off friends. We are still friends to this day because of our mutual respect and proper communication.  

However, there are some things about dating in today's mostly online dating world that really frustrate and baffle me. Mainly, this whole phenomenon of ghosting people. 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with ghosting, it can go a little something like this. Or this was my latest experience at least. 

You meet a guy (or girl), he/she comes off really intrigued. 

They ask all the questions and seem genuinely, very interested. They flatter you a lot and make you feel pretty damn good. They initiate getting together. You are totally open to it. A date is set but they need to get back to you on time because they have tentative plans. Your mind briefly wonders if it's another date but you're like, whateves. We did, after all, meet online. 

You get excited and think, "awesome! I finally met a decent human being and I'm excited to meet them!"

So you lean back and give a bit more to match his/her energy because you think games are bulls*t! ESPECIALLY after everything you just went through, you realize just how short life is and really don't have the energy or time in your thirties for them. You feel like maybe they are on the same page. 

Then suddenly you feel it. I don't know how but something in the air shifts. Something happens. You don't know what but the energy shifts.  It's just a feeling and you know. You know what's coming. 

Crickets. 

Um, hello? Is anyone there? And you wonder, WTF did I say that warranted being ghosted? I was just matching your shit thank you very much.

Annoyed, you start to think, well, maybe something happened because they couldn't have possibly just...gasp...disappeared! 

And then you laugh at yourself and think, oh silly Manda, trix are for kids! Nothing happened because as you are scrolling Instagram, you see that he just posted something new.   HE initiated the follow to begin with. You, just followed back. 

And then it hits you. Shit. I totally forgot. I was supposed to pretend that I was NOT interested. Maybe radiation altered my memory after all? 

Silly me. 

And then you laugh out loud and roll your eyes and think to yourself... right...I've just been ghosted. 

Lame. 

But in all seriousness, ghosting is just about the rudest, most immature behavior I have ever come across.

It is just downright disrespectful. I'm a human being and as much as I remind myself that it truly has nothing to do with me and that I shouldn't take it personally, it still doesn't feel good.  

So, I think to myself...what's the best thing to do in this situation. 

Upon consulting the experts, ie: a couple of my friends whom all say opposing things: 

 'Under no circumstance whatsoever, say anything to him!" One says. 

"You should call him out on his bullshit! He a friggin' thirty-something-year-old man for Christ sake!" Says the other. 

I think about both positions and decided that he IS, in fact, a thirty-something-year-old man and I'm pretty sure we all learned how to treat others way back in kindergarten. As much as I'd like to say, "Hey man, it's totally fine if, for whatever reason, you are no longer interested but I am a human being and deserve to be treated as if I'm not just a picture on some profile on a dating app. Thank. You. Very. Much.

I have a feeling however, whatever I say, will fall on deaf ears. Instead, I choose to say nothing and write this post instead.

Most people I talk to who've been ghosted, both men and women, have all said the same thing. It's really quite shitty. 

And it can trigger, even the strongest of people, into feeling like they did something. 

This brings me to the solution.

Here is the thing. We live in the age of dating apps. Chances are, you will never have to see this person face to face. If you've started exchanging text messages or have arranged to meet, even if day and time is tentative, that person still deserves some kind of correspondence if you have a change of heart. I mean, you LITERALLY don't even have to pick up the bloody phone or say it in person. You can just send a text message. 

And I'll even go as far as to help you come up with a few things you can say.

"Hey, although it was nice talking/meeting with you, I really don't think I'm interested. I do wish you the best." I mean, we are all human beings. I'd hope you'd have enough compassion to at the very least, acknowledge their humanness and wish them the best. 

Or, "You came off too strong." Sure, it's blunt but I mean, if it's the truth that person might want to know. But I do suggest you ask yourself WHY you felt they came off too strong first. Chances are, that has more to do with YOU then them.  

Or, how about this, "I realized it's just not the best time for me to date." Cool. No problem. I think everyone's been there before, right? You think your feelings for an ex have passed only to be reminded that they haven't when you meet someone new. No biggie. 

Or this one! "Hey, someone from my past came back into the picture and I just don't think I'm ready to explore someone new. I need to figure this one out." Again, awesome. Been there too. Totally get it. Hope you figure out what it is you need. 

You get it right? It may not be the most fun text to send but at least it doesn't leave the other person wondering, "what did I do?" Because about 99.9% of the time, if you get really honest with yourself, they did NOTHING. In reality, it's all your junk coming up. 

In closing

We are human beings . We like a beginning, a middle and...AN END. We appreciate closure of all kinds. It does something crazy awesome to our brains and lets us easily shake it off and not make it so personal. 

Now, I know a lot of people fear honest communication because yes, some people don't handle honesty very well. A lot of people get super defensive and if that happens, I think it's okay to say, "I really was just trying to do what was best by telling you because i do respect you as another human being. I wish you the best." And at this point, if they don't stop, you can just block their number. 

Chances are, if you are like me, you are just grateful that they were honest and you respond with a friendly, "Hey, no problem. Thanks for letting me know. Wish you the best too."

Done. Delete number, move on. Best wishes. 

Sure, egos may be bruised momentarily. It never feels great experiencing a sense of rejection. But it's like a bandaid. Rip it off, it stings for a minute and then you are usually over it. 

And then, when it comes down to it, really try and not take it personal. I'm serious. Keep filling your calendar with fun and exciting things. Keep dating! Don't sit around overanalyzing things because honestly, a few conversations over texts or phone or even a few actual, real-life dates do not, in the slightest bit, give you any idea of who someone is. 

Even if you do your research ie: stalk the shit out of them on Instagram or whatever media you find them on, you don't truly know the depths of someone. That can only be done with time, in person and an open and honest heart.

The whole evolution of online dating has created this massive disconnect and the direction it's going, in all honesty, is pretty frightening. Dating is suppose to be fun, light-hearted, sexy, flirty, exciting! 

And when it comes down to it, I really value great communication, honesty, patience, and trust in any relationship and if someone ghosts me and thinks that is okay, I look at it as a blessing. I wouldn't want to date someone that inconsiderate. Ever. Good luck. Peace out. Ba-bye. 

I hope and pray for my niece and nephew's generation that something changes or we are in for a really sad future full of disrespectful, socially inept and communicatively dysfunctional robots.  

I'll leave you with this incredible piece of advice. It's so good it was literally written by God himself and put into this little thing called The 10 Commandments. Maybe you've heard of it? 

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

Hello Old Friend - The Return

Ladies and gentlemen. I have an announcement to make. 

This morning, one of the most wonderful things happened to me. 

It has returned. 

My period. 

Is back. 

Holy. Shit. 

Miracles. Do. Happen. 

Let the celebrations commence! 

Bring out the marching band and champagne cause Aunt Flo has come back to town and she likes to get turned up!

Actually, Aunt Flo likes to put on her cozies, crawl into bed by 8 pm and binge watch The Bachelor but hey, that's kind of like getting turned up in your late thirties, right? 

I have never, in all my life, been more excited about the presence of swollen boobs and cramps and I'm fully relishing in both. 

I don't even know where to begin.

About a week ago I started noticing old familiar things happening within my body. I cried relatively out of nowhere. Nothing too new here however, that coupled with sore ta ta's and puffy, swollen appendages and face, lethargy, brain fog and feeling like I wanted to eat all the chocolate in the world (side note: I don't even care for chocolate anymore), I couldn't help but feel as if my body was on the verge of starting her cycle. 

But it couldn't be. I was 100% convinced that radiation sent me into menopause. 

So I brushed it off. Couldn't be. Both my oncologists were pretty certain that because they had to alter my treatment and my right ovary was exposed to radiation scatter, I was more than likely going to lose the function of both ovaries, thus, go into early menopause. 

The funny thing is, when my radiation oncologist and I met way back in August right before my last treatment, I had asked her when I'd know if radiation sent me into menopause. She looked back at me with wide eyes and sighed, "Oh you'll know. Right away.  Within the month you should start getting the symptoms." She said.  

But nothing happened. No hot flashes or night sweats. No trouble sleeping, No huge change in sex drive. None of the normals signs of menopause were happening. 

And I was confused. 

So confused. 

However, I had my mind made up. My ovaries were crispy marshmallows and thus, I mourned and let go of a dream. 

The funny thing was, something deep inside of me wasn't sitting well with this. You know, that tiny voice we don't like to listen to. Let's call her Gut Feeling. Intuition. Home Girl. You get it, right? 

I kept getting these visions or whatever you'd like to call them, of one day waking up and realizing I had gotten my period again but kept brushing it off because I really didn't want to get my hopes up. Something deep inside of me knew though. 

So waking yesterday to her wasn't a total shock but at the same time, was. You know what I mean? When something happens that you knew was going to happen but then you're like, how'd that happen?

Yeah, that's exactly what happened. 

You see, I mourned the hell out of her this past fall. I cried, and let myself feel the feels and said goodbye way before I was ready to. I mourned all the dreams that having a period brought. Mainly, just my fertility and sex drive but I was never one of those girls who dreaded my period. It always made me feel connected to my sense of being a woman and I kind of like witnessing my cycle throughout the month.

But now it's back and I'm never going to take her for granted again. 

Claire Baker, and adorable gal whom I went to IIN with, has a whole program called Adore Your Cycle where she teaches you to look at your cycle as a gift rather than a burden. I'm kind of stoked to do this now. 

You see, we've been taught that our cycle is this dreaded thing that happens for a few days once a month because so many of us have had horrible experiences with it. However, your cycle actually holds so much information. It's quite powerful really. To be clear, when I say cycle I am referring to the whole calendar month. That is your cycle. Not just the three to seven days you bleed. 

There is a wealth of knowledge out there about the various phases of your cycle. Again, Claire has a wealth of information on this you can find here. And by the way, she has no idea I'm even linking to her. I've just always admired her work and have been leaning into the idea that we women are incredibly powerful, cyclical creatures. Think about what we could do and create if we learned to work with nature instead of against it!

Anyway, I digress a bit. 

So yes. It happened. This thirty-seven year old is back in action. Bring on the chocolate and rom coms because day two of aunt flo is in full effect and I need some Meg and Tom in my life! 

But in all seriousness, I still have a lot to think about. In a weird way, going into menopause early would have made my decision to have a hysterectomy easier. I still want to wait until I'm forty at the earliest but if I'm still flowin' then, I wonder how I will feel about having to decide? 

However, I'm incredibly grateful for a little more time to reconnect with the deeper meaning of my cycle. To explore how it influences my creativity and drive and see how it can teach me to love myself even more. 

I hope, if anything, that if you are a woman and reading this it's sparked a little curiosity within you. 

And now you officially know way more about me and my period then I bet you ever thought. 

You are welcome. 

10 Subtle Ways to Feel Different in 2018 and Keep the Momentum Going

It's a new year. Doesn't that feel so good?

The beginning of a new year always seems to be full of so much hope and clarity. It's an opportunity to begin again. Start over. Do things differently. 

We charge into January with so much intention, so much motivation, so much gusto. 

We are moving and shakin' our bodies. We are eating clean and healthy. We are in a state of gratitude and practicing some big shifts. We are on a roll. We are abundant!

Then, slowly, it starts to taper off. We skip the workout class to meet friends for happy hour but on the drive there, promise ourselves that tomorrow we will move our person once again.

But we don't. 

We crave pizza and cocktails and tell ourselves that it is just this one time. Tomorrow we will eat well again. 

But again, we don't. All of those things we wanted for ourselves start to slowly slip away. 

We find old thoughts and behaviors creeping in slowly and before we know it, it's as if we are back in 2017 all over again. 

Nooooo!

Kidding. 2017 wasn't that bad. 

Again, I kid. 2017 can take a big old hike!

Okay, okay,  it wasn't that bad. I had some pretty incredible things happen in 2017 too. But I am rather happy to flip the calendar on that one. 

I know I'm not the only one who is happy to say goodbye to 2017. It seems a lot of us had a bit of a difficult year and were more than happy to say peace! See ya later! Sayonara! 

But you see, the thing is, I really don't ever want to wish a year away again. The years are moving faster and faster and well, we are only allotted so many of them and I hope to make them all count. 

Be it a "good" or "bad" year,  all of it has an offering for us. This is coming off a year that more times then I care to admit, had me wailing on the floor in the middle of my living room.

So much of it made no sense to me.

However, I am starting to see things a bit clearer and although I may never say that it all happened for a reason, I am starting to see more clarity in how I can take those crappy moments and turn them into something really meaningful. 

And damn it feels good to feel optimistic again. 

I have something pretty awesome and big things in the works. I'll be so excited to share it with you soon. 

Until then, I spent New Year's Eve in a deep reflection, thinking about the previous year and drawing my biggest learnings from all the events that happened and the conclusion that I came to was that 2017 was a catalyst for some pretty intense personal growth on all levels. 

Physically, emotional, mental. You name it and 2017 challenged it all. 

Parts of 2017 really did stink. However, even those hard events have created new ways of me wanting to be with myself and in the world. 

This year for New Year's Eve, I decided to forgo the usual get dressed up, find a party, drink too much and feel like utter and complete poop the next day for a quiet, reflective night at home by the fire.

I'm not going to lie, my FOMO definitely kicked in. (Mom, FOMO means, fear of missing out.)  But if I have taken anything away this year it's getting really honest with myself and asking what it is I truly need.

I needed to end 2017 in the most positive, intentional, loving way I know how. 

That involved getting quiet, playing my favorite tunes, making a fire, diffusing my favorite essential oils, and then answering some really honest questions I'd been avoiding for, well, ever. 

2017 may have had some doozy experiences but my ability to draw goodness from those happenings is what gives me confidence for 2018. 

And from the events of this past year, I realized that as much as this space is an outlet for me to share, process and heal, I want to get back to a place of offering you something more. 

So I took the last year and I came up with ten subtle ways to feel different in 2018. Use them, don't, use one or two, use none. 

Overall, I hope you too can look back at your 2017 with kindness and love and take exactly what you need to make this year the best.

10 subtle ways to feel different in 2018 -- and keep the momentum going.    

1. Take stock of what is and what isn't working in your life. 

If you've been reading this blog for awhile you know I am a big fan of having my "come to Jesus' moments. These are those sometimes painful, sometimes liberating moments when I stop hiding and get really honest with myself about the various areas of my life that aren't working. Or are working. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Those things that aren't working are merely catalysts to create change and go down a different path. A lot of the time you have to experience the pain to get on the right path. And those areas that are working -- well celebrate it! We all could probably use a little more celebrating in our lives. 

2. Go slow

I think one of the keys to creating lasting change in your life is going at it slow. This is speaking from years of experience. I'm what is called an Activator. I get an idea and wham! I want it all to fall into place right now and will do whatever is necessary to get there. Then I lose steam and move onto the next thing. I forget that sometimes, slow and steady wins the race. So my advice, and only because I've learned this the hard way, treat your idea, your dreams, your goals or whatever you call it, like a houseplant. Take all the precautions to allow it to grow big and strong. Good, organic soil, water, light, time to root down, and slowly but surely, it will in fact grow. 

3. Start small

You know that saying, Rome wasn't built in a day? Well, why the heck do we think we can take a lifelong habit and wish it away overnight? Patience is pretty important when it comes to making lasting change. And kindness. To yourself and others. Baby steps my dears. Just put one foot in front of the others and before you know it, you've walked a mile. 

5. Build self-trust

Every time we make a new goal or want to change a way we do something we have the opportunity to build self-trust. A healthy sense of trusting yourself is imperative to create habits that last. However, every time we don't follow through, we are breaking that trust with ourselves and others. We may be able to brush it off, but again, speaking from experiences, it starts to compile over time and feels like a big heavy weight on your shoulders. It doesn't feel good at all. So this is why going slow and starting small is really important. 

6. Live and breath your values

I remember one day I realized while talking with someone that I really didn't have a clear idea what my values were. That made me sad. Then I remember thinking if I don't know what I stand for, how am I ever going to get the things that I want? So I came up with a list of my top five personal values and I wrote them out and posted them on a board in my room. I base all my decisions, er, well, I try to base all my decisions off of whether or not they are aligned with those five values. I truly believe if you do this, you'll feel so much better about how you make decisions in your life. 

7. Say goodbye to those that aren't a fit anymore

You'd think this one was a no-brainer but it's amazing how many people we tend to keep in our lives without really taking a good long look as to why. I've had to silently say goodbye to a few friendships this year and mostly within the last few weeks. Not because I don't care about them deeply but because it wasn't healthy for me to keep them as am active person in mu life. It was what was best for me to propel forward on my path. I knew it in my gut. Holding on to them was like holding onto a giant weight. I felt like I couldn't get any forward momentum.

It's okay to say goodbye. It's hard. It's not always black and white but most of the time you know, deep down, that it's the right thing to do.  

8. Let go of expectations

Expectations are a huge killer of happiness and joy. When we expect a certain outcome, we limit ourselves from the possibility that life could offer us something so much better. When we have expectations, we are often met with great disappointment when life doesn't unfold how we think it should. Sometimes it can derail us. Often it will prevent us from moving forward with our goals, hopes and dreams. And thus, we get stuck. Really stuck. 

I know it may feel totally unrealistic to never have expectations but I think as we learn to adjust them we stay in the organic flow that is life and our let down isn't as extreme. We allow life to redirect us and from personal experiences, the redirection is usually better then anything I could have crafted had I forced my way into fruition. 

What's that saying? Oh yeah, let go, let God. 

9. Give up the ego labels

I learned this lesson big time this past year when I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that had no known origin. I found myself feeling really confused and lost, like I didn't belong. People would ask what kind of cancer I had and I'd just stare at them blankly. "Um, well, I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer of an unknown primary."

I'd be met with blank stares and looks of confusing and I'd want to reach out and say, "Yeah, I'm confused too."

Eventually I had to find a way to just stop caring so much about the label and focus on other things. This made me think about all the other areas of my life I am attached to certain labels. Labels help us compartmentalize ourselves into little boxes.  However, I think that sometimes what we identify ourselves with can cause overwhelm and internal chaos in our lives. I find myself feeling this way a lot. Especially being a 'jack-of-all' trades kind of gal. But when it comes down to it, I'm just me, Amanda, and feels so much better.

10. Get a Dog. Seriously. Or a cat. Or both

Okay, this really has nothing to do with feeling different in 2018 but Rocky kind of changed my life in 2017 and so if you are teetering on the line of deciding whether or not to get a pet, I say do it. 100%, get the dog or cat or pet. As long as you can responsibly take care of them, do it.