Here Is How You Date. Tips From The Girl Who Is Perpetually Single

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” ― Dr. Seuss

The other day my best friend sent me a text. “Hey! I told ________ that we should do a girl’s night and maybe you can show her the ropes on how to date now and which apps to use. Another family friend just broke up with her boyfriend and is moving back to Seattle too!” All I could think was, oh my sweet friend, it’s obvious by your enthusiasm that you’ve been married a very long time.

I read the message and all I could think was, “Welcome ladies…to the Hunger Games. May the odds ever be in your favor” Because let’s be honest, dating now in general feels a little bit like we are all running around aimlessly on an island, without a clue as to what we are doing. And dating in 2020 feels like we are Tom Hanks in Castaway stranded on a desert island talking to our friend, the volleyball.

But then I laughed and accept that I’ve been in this game a long time and really nothing has changed and now I have become some kind of dating expert that my married friends refer their newly single friends to. Albeit, not the best one but as my mom likes to remind me, I’ve dated a lot over the years because I’ve been perpetually single for the majority of my life. Except for that one time I got married. So yeah, maybe I am some kind of expert.

I tend to do really good with relationships that last just about two months, and every now and again, I land on a six monther. Yes I can pretend I know what I’m doing but really, lets be honest, I suck at dating. I am, however, an expert, at being single.

Dating is hard for someone like me who is intense and full of big emotions and feelings and thrives in deep conversation. First dates are the worst. Just like with a job interview or networking event, I’m usually the awkward one talking about the weather. I have no middle ground. No in-between. I’m either “Oh did you hear it’s suppose to be sunny next week?” Or I’m like, “So, tell me about your inner child pain and how you are working towards healing it so you can show up in the world as your most authentic self.” Sprinkle in some lingering daddy issues, lack of trust from an ex-husband that cheated repeatedly and an anxious attachment style, my friends, dating expert I am not. A regular on my therapists couch, er, computer screen, I am.

The point of my self-deprecating rant is dating scares the shit out of me because it always shines a big bright search light on my deepest, most painful wounds and I like myself better when I’m single. I’m cool, calm, witty, super confident, sexy and fit, adventurous and relaxed. I’m like, every guys dream girl.

I also feel like good, available men are like some mythical creature. Everyone says they know a friend of a friend of a friend who’s seen one but there is very little evidence that they actually exist.

Admittedly, I’ve spent many a mind-numbing hours perusing dating apps, looking at profiles of men sitting next to giant Tigers or holding a large dead fish with big creepy smiles sprawled across their faces that says, “Ugh. Me. Provide. For. You. Me. Strong. Me. Brave.” I can’t help but wonder if this is some kind of subliminal cavemen messaging. Like, they may not be able to hit us over the head with a club and drag us into their cave by our hair anymore but if they post a picture sitting next to some sedated Tiger on an island in Thailand I’m suppose to be like, “Oh, damn, this man, he’s gonna keep me safe.”

Ah, nope. Swipe. Left.

If you sense a cynical tone it’s true. I’m close to almost settling on the fact that I’ll probably just grow old alone in a cabin in the woods with cats and books and a shop out back with a chop saw. And then I find myself thinking with this current dating market, one can only hope.

The other day I found my cynicism bleeding into a conversation with a friend and saying that maybe all I need is a sex friend and companion to spend a few hours talking with every now and then. Ya know, scratch both itches with one stone kind of thing. Or is that kill two birds? Basically, someone I hump and then spend a few hours eating food and talking with and then we go about our own independent way. But he called my bluff and reminded me that this isn’t really me and what I truly long for is what most long for, a meaningful partnership where I am loved for my unique weirdness.

And he is right.

Despite my cynicism, I am a internal optimist when it comes to matters of the heart. A lover of the dream.

As my therapist once told me after another devastating heartbreak, “Amanda. You know what I love about you most? Your heart just never gives up. No matter how much you get hurt by love you still believe it’s out there just looking for you too.”

And it’s true.

As jaded or reluctant as I may appear, there is a part of me that is filled with the hope that love is out there for someone like me. That one day my weird will find it’s matching weird counterpart and we will live happily ever after in our perfectly little weird bubble. That one day we will meet and he will be everything I never knew I was looking for and he’ll like cats too. That is what keeps me swiping.

The truth is I don’t really date and I haven’t dated since I ended the two month thing with the last guy in early May and now there is this whole hysterectomy thing and healing from that so I’m just, I think, in a bit of a holding pattern right now because to be honest, I’d rather meet someone in real life and this whole Coronavirus thing has made that feel a bit hard right now. Not impossible, just hard. I mean, I do look great in a face mask.

Most of the time I just don’t come across anyone I find interesting enough to swipe right on but every now and then I do. It’s more likely my trauma bonding but that little pit in my stomach starts to flutter, ripping down the cobwebs that began to form from when things ended with whatever guy I was dating last and excitement erupts. And I think, “My faith has been restored! I I just may want to know more about this person.” It doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s like a sugar rush straight to the head. I’m high and hooked.

It actually happened recently but just as quickly as he entered, poof, he disappeared never to be heard from again. Which is a whole other rant and brings me back to something I’ve already written about before; ghosting and how unbelievable immature it is. And rude. Didn’t your parents teach you about respect?

Oh my God can we stop with the ghosting already? People. I’m going to say this once. There is an actual human being behind those profiles and text messages. Human beings who have their own ‘stuff’ they are working through and I know our brains have somehow forgotten this but for f*&k’s sake, despite the technological shield these apps make us believe is there, ghosting still feels pretty damn shitty. No matter how many Mark Groves Instagram quotes you read about how it’s not you, it’s the other person’s lack of something, it. still. feels. shitty.

And you want to know why so many of us are a jaded?

Ghosting. It’s called ghosting!

Especially when we literally live in an era where all you have to do is send a text message that says:

Hey, it was nice getting
to know you a bit
but I’m not feeling it.
I wish you the best.

This actually happened to me several months ago and it was like a breath of f*&king fresh air. Yeah my ego stung for a moment upon first reading it but then I just felt relieved because it was honest and true and oh how I love and value both of those things. Door closed, move on. Next!

There is no wondering if maybe they were in some kind of terrible car accident or how they are probably just scared because I’m that awesome and that intimidates them (insert sarcasm here please). No, it’s good old fashion clear communication and it’s what my dreams are made of. We need to get back to this. Actually, we need to start this because let’s be honest, it was really never there to begin with. Remember, I’ve been at this a long time. I know.

And here is another thing I want to bring up about honesty. What should be on your dating profile. These are non negotiable and it’s backed up by a poll I took on Instagram so it’s fact. Trust me.

If you are looking for something real and long-term, casual or if you are just DTF (Down to F&*k and yes for those of you that have been in a relationship forever, it’s a real thing)

Okay my friends, there are those of us that are seeking something real and have turned to dating apps because meeting someone in person just seems so out of the realm of possible in todays world. Then, there are those who are just exploring dating and want to keep it casual and fun and ‘see what happens.” Last there are those who are just wanting to plain old get down and dirty, no strings attached with every Jane, Suzy and Pam. Cool. All of it is okay. All of it is welcomed. But ALL of it needs to be clearly communicated in your profile. This gives the other person the option to think responsibly about what they want and whether or not they are willing to entertain the idea of getting to know you. Simple as that. It’s call R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Aretha Franklin wrote a song all about it.

Kids

I posted in my stories the other day asking my Insta community what they thought about whether or not people with kids should be fully transparent about it in their profiles. Every single comment came back was a big resounding YES. And I agree. Same guy above that was poof, gone, also didn’t disclose that he had kids in his profile. I found out after he gave me his Instagram handle and I did a little “research.” To be honest, I was irritated, first that he so quickly gave me his Instagram handle because I have a hard boundary about not doing said ‘research.’ Instead, I prefer to get to know them organically. But when you put it in front of my face it’s like putting candy in front of a small child and saying don’t eat it as you walk out of the room leaving them all alone. Yeah. Right.

He didn’t share that he had kids in his profile nor did he share it in our back and forth conversation. Although not a very long conversation, he did list out other ‘fact’ about him like how he owned a home and makes mean tacos. Personally, I feel like “I’m the proud dad of kids” goes right up there. Right after “I make mean tacos and stiff margaritas.” And to preference, I’m totally open to dating guys with kids but it’s a very different mindset and I need to mentally prepare. It’s a whole different set of boundaries, potential responsibilities and lifestyle to think about. I also feel that when you withhold that information it can lead someone to think you are a deadbeat dad and aren’t proud of being a parent. Honestly, if I’m going to date a guy with kids, he better be damn proud of the dad he is.

It’s called integrity.

It’s also similar to why I always have a picture of me with my dog and cat on my profile. I know a lot of guys don’t like cats and well, I do and will more than likely always have a cat and I rather give them the opportunity to pass me by then feel like it’s some big dirty secret that I like cats. My cat is curled up on my lap right now in fact and it is pretty friggin’ cute. So yay cats!

But in all seriousness, take a step back for a minute. Don’t you want the person you meet to be fully on board with who you are from the get go? And I mean ALL of you. For me, it feels better to get some of the bigger, I can’t change this about me things out in the open ASAP, especially as I get older. Instead of many dates later only to discover (after feels have started to form, etc) that they are in fact, deadly allergic to cats. Or kids for that matter.

If you are in an open relationship

This, to me, is a no brainer but apparently it’s not. This was also something that got brought up by a friend of mine that is in an open relationship. He told me that when he puts it in his profile he doesn’t get a lot of matches but when he leaves it out, he does. Um, yeah, duh. Makes sense. Although I completely support those who choose to be in an open relationship, I myself, know I would not thrive in one and want to know what I am getting in the very beginning. I want the choice. I asked said friend what happens when he eventually tells the person he is in an open relationship and he said he is met with a lot of questions and that people tend to assume that he is up to no good. That’s what happens when you are not transparent about something from the beginning. It makes you look like you are doing something sleazy even when you aren’t.

I agree that we could all be a lot more open-minded about open relationships and there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. However, it’s not for everyone and to get to the point where you may be open to it, there needs to be a level of trust and trust is built from truth, transparency and alignment.

Put it in your profile my friends.

If you have a non-negotiable, strong religious affiliation

Look, I’m down with the G.O.D and the Universe and Spirit and all that jazz but my God may not be your God and if your way of relating to God is a nonnegotiable for you and you don’t have room in your life for my view of God then it will never work. Seriously, I’ve tried this. Remember that one time I got married. Yeah, well, we had very different ideas of God and it bled into every decision, value and overall, the integrity of our whole marriage. And thank G.O.D we actually never did get pregnant because it would have bled into that too.

Now I’m not talking bout your every day average holiday church goer. I’m talking about those that maybe want to try ChristianMingle.com instead of your good ol’ Hinge or Bumble. If you are on that level it’s important to fully disclose it. If it’s a serious part of your life, own it.

And to cap it all off. One of my best friends, same friend who sent me the text above gave me some of the best advice ever. Way back when she met her now husband, she told me that if I am truly looking for a relationship, to always ask the big questions right from the get go. Because as she says, “Amanda, you are looking for a partner. Don’t waste your time. If they don’t want the things you do, move on. Next!” It took me a good long while to figure that one out.

So yeah, I’m intense and my own version of weird and maybe I will end up in a cabin in the woods with cats and books walking in circles singing Gregory Alan Isakov melodramatic songs on repeat as I wallow in the idea of a dream that never happened but I will always believe that somewhere out in this big old world there is someone who likes cats just as much as I do. Or who can at least tolerate them because they like me a whole lot. I have to believe that there is someone(s) out there looking for my perfect version of weird too. And hey, at least I’ll always know that during this whole damn dating process I stayed true to myself. I lived my integrity.

And to that is say, ME-OW. I mean, a-men.