Hindsight is 2020, Right? A Life Full Of Cliches

As cliche as it sounds coming out of my mouth, the year 2020 will forever be one that stands out in our minds. It’ll be the year we talk about to our grandchildren as we sit around the crackling fireplace with a whiskey in our shaky hand (due to the unfortunate habit we picked up during pandemic times) as they listen on with wide-eyed wonder and palpable disbelief. It’ll forever be the year that stains our memories with the knowledge of what is really everyone’s deepest fear: a dirty butt and nothing to wipe it with.

Weaved in between the thirty-nine weeks since the pandemic started (at the time of writing this and yes, I actually counted) there has been an onslaught of events leaving us all spinning and mouthing “what the f*&K is going on?” many times over as we navigate this dystopian reality we find ourselves in. Except, it’s not the movies. This is real life and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t, ever so often, looking over my shoulder for the gapping wounded, discolored walking dead hobbling behind me. And I still pray to God that if that happens they are the slow kind.

I don’t know that there is a single person who’s life has not been altered in some way. For some, it’s been devastating and for others, it’s been inconvenient.

For me, 2020 has been one of the most transformative years to date. Yeah yeah, I know, I’m one of THOSE people. The ones that took the lemons of 2020 and made a nice, sugary sweet lemonade with them. But I’m also one of those people who probably added just a touch of Vodka, well, more like whiskey because I hate vodka, in there to dull the pain just a smidgen. Don’t be fooled dear readers, 2020 was both brutally painful and uniquely beautiful in my world too. However, I did garner some of the biggest personal growth and healing since I began walking down this path several years ago.

This week marks one year since mold in my yurt had me homeless and displaced wondering what the hell was happening. Looking back though, I see clearly what was going on. I’m stubborn and often the only way I will make the change my heart really wants is on the heels of a catastrophe. And yes, I’m working on that one too in 2021.

A year later and there is not a day that goes by that I am not utterly grateful that life took the twists and turns it did to get me to move home. Seattle is and forever will be my sweet, wonderful, heavenly, perfect idea of home.

And here I am lying in bed writing this thinking about how in just a few short weeks we will turn yet another calendar page and “gracefully” glide into 2021. All I can think is, what the f*%k is in store for us this year? I suppose by gracefully what I really mean is tripping and stumbling over the wreckage that is 2020.

On a global level I pray that this pandemic finds a way to slow down and with recent news of a vaccine near ready, I’m filled with mixed emotions. I’m not necessarily anti-vax but I’m not necessarily going to be first in line either. On one hand, I want to be able to do the things I love freely, on the other hand, I don’t want to preemptively put something in my body before we know the full effects. And therein lies the paradox. I want my old way of moving through the world back but I’m not sure I want to do what is required of me to get there.

I, along with the rest of the world, wait with bated breath to see if the January presidential transition goes as smoothly as I hope but then I remember who is our current president and my belly contracts as I think about all the ways in which the narcissistic maniac will throw a seven-year-old tantrum on his way out. I will have my popcorn ready and my couch cushions fluffed as this horror film that is our government slowly unfolds.

Then there is my own back yard. What will my own life look like in the year to come? As I think back over the last twelve months I’m kind of in ah at what has transpired. The rollercoaster of events has me realizing that, as the painfully annoying but ridiculously true old cliche goes, “life is, in fact, short.”

I don’t know that I need to give you a rundown of what has transpired in my life over the last year. I feel like I do a pretty good job documenting it on social media. As I reflect though, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the tremendous growth I’ve experienced and all the hard work I have put in to feel like me I was born to be. (I can just keep going with all the cliches. I both loath and love them.)

And so I sit here and think about the new year. I’m not really a resolutions person because when I make resolutions I always find that I fall very short of them and then I feel even more shame for my budding list of failures. However, I also recognize that I don’t “reach for the stars” and “set my eyes on the prize” because I am scared of falling short. So, it’s basically this ever-persistent juxtaposition really.

So, I’m going to do it. 2021 is going to be the year that I “think I can” and “just do it.”

So here it goes.

Here is my list.

Here are my goals.

Here…is what I resolve to do.

A DEEPER SENSE OF SECURITY

Let’s be honest, my life is a revolving door of chaos. It’s my comfort zone. I get bored when things are going smoothly. I know this. I’m addressing it in therapy. What I’m learning through EMDR is that it is mimicking the environment I grew up in. It’s what I know. It’s what I know I can survive, even if it is painful. My hope though is that through consistent therapy and EMDR sessions I will learn to live more comfortably in the calm and less so in the storm. Fingers crossed.

DATE WITH AN OPEN HEART

I want to believe there is a person out there that matches my version of weird. The past few months with dating have been interesting, shining a big bright light on all my wounds and abandonment issues and the big, grey elephant in the room. Which is, being vulnerable enough to allow the kind of partner I want into my life TERRIFIES ME. But I really do want to have that kind of love experienced in this lifetime. The kind of love that shakes me to my core. The kind of love I trust like I never knew was possible. The kind of love where they stay instead of leave. And I know now that this requires me to be a bit more open to receiving it.

STRATEGIC SOCIAL MEDIA TIME

Hi, my name is Amanda and I am a social media number. As much as I want to get off of social media all together I can’t quite it. I’ve tried. Many times. For starters, I have a small creative business and most of my art is sold via Instagram and my writing pieces circulate the web too. This one kind of went viral.

Second, I have actually met some really amazing individuals on social media and it has been a lifesaver in pandemic times. However, I can be more strategic with my time on it and that is exactly what I plan on doing. No more scrolling to numb.

PODCAST

Everyone has a story. This is a fact I believe deeply in. Even if you don’t think anyone would want to hear yours, I beg to differ. I started a podcast in October with this in mind. Then I got overwhelmed and took a six-week-long break. Between all the emotions circulating around the election, my last minute idea of a Christmas ornament that sold way more then I thought it would, and then getting trapped in a coffee shop with a mentally ill man who was just released from prison and crouching down in a corner as a fight broke out (yep, that really happened), I kind of got overwhelmed. I’m back though and developing a strategy to keep me consistent. You can listen to it here.

BLOG MORE

Writing for me is transformative. It teaches me so much about my thought process and the inner workings of my being. I also have been getting a lot of feedback from people that they would like for me to share more. I also think it’s partly what I am here to do. Write. Share. Hopefully make people say, “Huh. Interesting.” So, I’m going to do more of it. Write.

Write for other publications

As I just said above, I’m a writer. There is no more denying that and I deserve to make money writing. So, that is what I intend to do. Build an audience writing on other publications. I even have this secret dream of writing an op-ed for The New York Times on my famili’s experience with Lynch Syndrome and Cancer and a million other topics.

X AMOUNT IN WOODWORKING SALES

I think I need to finally just admit that my woodworking is no longer a hobby. It’s one of my main jobs and I deserve to make good money doing it. So I’m setting quarterly sales goals and creating spreadsheets and graphs and all the stuff that my Virgo side’s dreams are made of.

PAINT

I keep getting that quiet whisper to start painting landscapes. I’m not sure where this one is going but I’m excited to begin when I have a little more time.

READ A BOOK A MONTH

As the world’s slowest reader, this is a lofty goal. I typically only have time to read before bed but by then I’m too tired so I read, maybe a page, and then put the book down. At that rate, I’m looking at, well, a book a year. I guess I need to step up my game a bit. With my more strategic social media plan, I suppose I will have more time.

So, there it is. No majorly crazy goals. All realistic. All doable. Looking over this list nothing seems too out of reach. It’s really just taking the things I am doing now and building consistent habits around them.

But then again, consistency and me having never had the best of relationships. I guess I’ll add that one to the list too.