This Too Shall Pass

On Friday, January 13th, I began a journey I would never wish on anyone. I had my first infusion of chemotherapy and immunotherapy. This week, to put it bluntly, I’ve been a little worse for wear.

It’s funny, I had these grand delusions that I would be back up and working in just a few days. I can do this I thought. I’ve been to hell and back before and I always bounce back quickly. I will with this too.

This beast however, is one I have yet to experience before. This beast, has annihilated me, leaving me question so much already.

I’ve been dealing with neuropathy that is so painful I don’t quite have the words to describe it other than feeling as if my nerves are being ripped apart by electrical shocks and waves every few seconds. This began Sunday evening and has yet to leave. And that alone is terrifying. To think of a life riddled with this kind of pain.

I hear the second week is better though and the third well, I welcome that with open arms as it teases me with thoughts of being “almost normal” again. Yet, I know when I finally make it to week three the clock starts ticking again until I’m sitting in that same chair, in that same cancer center, getting those same drugs pumped throughout my body. Round two.

And the cycle begins all over again.

I’m doing my best to hold on to little moments of joy, although few and far between, and my mantra, although hard to fully believe, this too shall pass.

This too shall pass.

And I pray that it does and that this time next year I’m pain (and cancer) free.

I hope the rumors are true though and next week I’ll feel better and the following more like myself and I can get back to work in whatever way that may look like for the foreseeable future. I miss my craft. I miss creating and putting my thoughts into action. I miss the chatter of a podcast playing in the background while I get lost in my shop.

I think one of the most uncomfortable parts of all this is the not knowing. Not knowing when life will feel normal again. Not knowing if or when I can work again. Not knowing if this pain will subside enough for me to do the things I love dearly. The things that make me who I am.

All I can do is the very thing I’ve been trying to figure out how to do my whole life. Surrender.

Surrender, surrender, surrender.

And wait.

And just be.

And that, my friends, is an art in and of itself and I haven’t really learned that medium yet. But like with all my other artistic paths, practice makes me better and better. So, I’ll practice this too.

And eventually, this too shall pass.

xo, amanda

P.S. - Ongoing help is probably going to be vital until I figure out my new flow with work. I’m so grateful to you and to all who have supported me in the various ways laid out in my Cancer Gift Registry. It’s truly lifted me up and made me feel so loved.

You can find that registry here.