Cancer is a Not “gift” and god doesn’t give us more then we can handle.

I feel it start to bubble up. The envy I feel as others are out there living their lives while I sit back and watch from my little handheld screen, wrapped in the false comfort of the big, fuzzy blanket on my couch, I watch on as other’s share their luxurious lives and their hard work paid off and I can’t help but wonder why that is not me. That’s not to dismiss their hard work to get them where they are. Deep down inside I know that.

These feelings though, they are normal and messy and complicated. I’m okay with going to these places because I know once I do, once I feel it, it passes through me and my optimism comes swirling back.

I look out the window at the dark grey February sky and smile when a conversation I once had with my older brother slips into memory.

“I really want to roll my eyes at people who say cancer is a gift.” I say to him.

Sitting side-by-side somewhere doing something that I can’t remember any longer, probably watching the kids play in the grass on a warm summer day. The outline of our bodies is all my memory can see, the other details long gone.

“It’s so stupid. I mean, if cancer is a gift I hope they put in the return slip because this is one gift I would happily exchange for a life with just a bit more ease.” I continue.

He laughs and I laugh and without words, we agreed. He’s had cancer too. He gets it.

I would quite happily give all this back in a heartbeat for a path that was just a bit easier and although I have found purpose in it, I don’t think it was given to me by some higher power to test my abilities and strength. I think there are other ways I could have learned these lessons and wisdom or whatever I’ve learned from all this bull…lonie.”

I’m not bitter though, just realistic. I don’t cover my experiences with toxic positivity. Cancer, my friends, is not a gift and the God I may believe in doesn’t give you something like this to test you. She doesn't give you things because she thinks you are tough enough to rise above and handle it.

My focus returns to the dark grey sky and the little screen in my hand as I sink into my voyeuristic reality as I struggle with weakness and nausea wondering if this will just be a Netflix and couch day...again.

TOXIC POSITIVITY AND OTHER BULLSHIT

I used to feel really guilty that I never totally got on board with believing stupid sayings like ‘cancer is a gift’ and ‘God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,’ and ‘hey, you have to stay positive!” I also felt really guilty at my quiet distain for all the ribbons and runs. Cancer is SO much more then colorful ribbons and runs.

It’s easy to wear a ribbon.

It’s easy to run or walk a race.

It’s easy to throw a few bucks at a foundation every month.

What’s not easy, is truly showing up for someone going through cancer.

I know the ribbons and runs are a way of saying “hey, I don’t know what to do but this feels safe and like I’m doing something." And you are. I know that.

However, for someone going through cancer and having your life drastically change in the blink of an eye is one of the hardest things to go through and we need help and support and love, not ribbons and runs.

It’s terribly hard trying to continue some semblance of a ‘normal’ life when your factoring in chemo, blood draws, naps, and oncology appointments and wondering whether or not you will feel well enough to even leave the house at all this week.

What’s not easy is canceling plans after plans you are dying to make because you can barely peel your almost lifeless body off the couch.

What’s not easy is dealing with insurance that is denying your immunotherapy because THEY don’t deem it necessary and medical bills and just, life bills for that matter. All with a body that is just f&*king tired all the time and a mind that has been hijacked by toxic drugs leaving you with two working brain cells that are constantly in rotation trying to still be normal.

What’s not easy is accepting that the dust has settled when everyone has gone back to their own lives after the initial few weeks are over. When the donations stop and run out. When the dinners dropped at your doorstep no longer exist. When the phone calls and texts are few and far between. When you have to sit back and watch everyone living normal lives and you are putting your last bit of energy into just trying to live. And make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

And most of all, what’s not easy is dealing with the complex feelings and emotions that come with all of this in a world that constantly feelings like it’s yelling at you to stay positive! You are so strong! You are a warrior! You are a fighter!

I’ve written about this before in a few places but bloody hell, we need to stop telling people to stay positive when they are going through something like cancer because honestly, what it feels like is saying these things is more for you then me.

We need to understand why it is we feel like we need others’ to pretend they are feeling anything other than what that are feeling when they are going through some kind of life struggle. Or anything at all.

We are an era that is obsessed with being happy. Happiness is a billion dollar industry filled with chasing magic rainbows looking for the pot of gold that, I hate to break it to you, doesn’t exist.

What if instead of filling our time with chasing this elusive pot of gold we just accept that we are human and with that comes complex and often unpleasant feelings. Sometimes they last for mere seconds and others days or months. What if we accept that it’s okay to not be okay every damn minute of every damn day.

What if we stop asking ‘how are you’ when we really don’t want the real answer?

I get it. The pot of gold is very enticing. I too have a bookshelf laden with self-help and crystals and a repertoire of workshops and half finished classes and a closet full of attempts to find this pot of gold.

What if we realize we just can’t be happy all the time and there are definitely times when we should not be forced into it?

WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD

It’s hard being vulnerable. It brings a lot of discomfort and awkwardness and nobody likes this feeling. I get it.

It’s easier to just say, how are you? Knowing that you will more than likely get an auto response. “Oh I’m ok. How are you?

The only way to really grow though this, in my humble opinion, is to dive into that discomfort a bit. Really learn to be ok with the truth.

Watching someone you love or care about or even just know go through cancer is VERY uncomfortable.

AND…Going through cancer is VERY uncomfortable.

But these are some ideas of what you can do to offer yourself and help just a bit more. We just want a bit of normalcy and to be able to feel how we feel.

Ask real questions

Instead of how are you doing, maybe say, how are you feeling these days? (and then REALLY listen. Just listen. Don’t try to fix.) Or say, what has this experience been like for you so far? Or, what can I do for you? But then follow up with some ideas because we will go into auto-pilot again and say “oh nothing, I’m fine.

Invite us to do things

We may not be able to go or have to leave early or cancel last minute but the the invitation makes us feel normal. DON’T STOP INVITING US but give us a lot of grace. Every minute, every hour, ever day, every week is so different for us going through cancer.

Tell us about your life and what’s going on

Personally, hearing about the things my friends are doing makes me happy. Hearing about their struggles gives me an opportunity to support them back. Sometimes it gets really old living in your cancer world. Just be discerning about what you share. I know that my friends experiences are true for them. I know that what they are going through is their struggle and I can’t fault them that it isn’t cancer. As a person going through cancer, figure out what your boundaries are around this but I personally feel like we still need to be good friends too and a friendship is a two way street.

Let us talk about ALL of our experience

I have a rare cancer. Although it was small and my surgeon was able to get it all in surgery, we don’t know if microscopic cells have already spread. It’s terrifying. I confront the fact that this could go south at any point often. I have a high recurrence rate. I’ve had cancer before. I have a genetic mutations with very high statistics. I’m not naive that this could change the course at any time. So, I talk about it. I talk about death and what I want if this were to go in that direction. However, I’m often met with “oh don’t talk about that! That’s not going to happen!

Here is the thing, death is a normal part of the living experience. We are all going to die one day and for me, it will probably be due to complications with cancer. I’ve accepted that. One of the most toxic things we can do is act as if it will not happen to us or dismiss those in our lives going through this when they need to talk about it.

Different ways to continue to support

Clean their home or pay to have their home cleaned
Offer to walk their dog if they have one
Offer to come over and just sit with them, watch a movie, read, etc.
Bring them dinner on a set date (make sure you know what they like)
Order some groceries for them (make sure you know what they like)
Send texts saying “Just thinking of you” or “Remember that time we did…? Give them a reason to laugh and don’t expect a response
Think of soothing gifts they can find comfort in - Here are some ideas
Send gift cards (door dash, massages, their favorite grocery store…)
Talk them on a fun but easy going adventure
Send them an email telling them how much they mean to you or how they have inspired you (believe me, we do not feel very inspiring)

I think the overall point of this is to offer yourself up and get a little uncomfortable in order to help someone you care for who is going through something unbelievably hard.

If you feel yourself pulling away from those in your life because they are going through something challenging, ask yourself why. Get curious about your discomfort and then take baby steps to move towards it.

Those of us going through this thing called cancer often feel like we are on an island, floating all alone in some foreign land where nobody speaks our language and we are just to tired to even try. We truly just want to feel normal during an experience that is anything but.

We are scared of coming across as too needy.

We are scared of speaking our truth, not because we don’t want it “to become our reality” but because others will brush it off with some toxic positivity and dismiss what we feel.

We have the world sitting on our shoulders right now. That’s not to say you don’t as well with whatever you may be going through. Maybe all you can do right now is send a little text saying “hey, just thinking about you and miss you.” Believe me, it means the world.

In a world where it seems like cancer is just becoming a normal in many people’s lives believe me, it is anything but normal.

Our hole lives change over night.

Be okay with that.

And show up for it.

xo, amanda

If you would like to help me on my cancer journey, it is far from over. Here is my Cancer Support Registry. Also, encourage those in your life going through cancer to create one too.