Broken-heart, closed heart, open heart, full heart

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.
She walked with the Universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

- Ariana Dancu

The title of this post actually came to me back in August of 2015 while I was on a cool, early morning run on the beach. True to form, out of seemingly nowhere, these four words echoed in my head and I couldn't shake them. I felt this overwhelming urge to stop and sit on one of the cold, sand-covered rocks and gaze out at the ocean when suddenly warm tears began to slide down my cold, wind-kissed cheeks, and these words came to me: broken-heart, closed-heart, open-heart, full-heart.

I sat there in a bit of confusion because I knew well enough that my heart was not full and it was barely even open. However, it no longer felt broken and I could feel the light slowly start to creep back in as I continued to process not only the events of the following two years but more importantly, what lead me down that path to begin with. So, to feel such a connection to these four words left me a little dumbfounded. 

However, there was an unexplainable deep knowing that this was something I was supposed to write about and when I got home I sat down at my computer and typed out the title thinking the words that needed to be shared would immediately follow. Nothing came and I grew more frustrated. Most of the time when this happens words to accompany the title follow shortly there after. But month after month nothing came. But something inside told me to be patient and nine months later they finally came and it all made sense.

The other day, as I was cleaning out my room, purging myself and my life of anything that I no longer felt belonged , I stumbled upon my wedding dress. Something I thought I had gotten rid of months ago. It was tucked under some clothes that were stuffed in a garment bag I kept under my bed. I pulled out the short dingy white Nicole Miller dress we purchased four years early at Nordstrom and stared at it, waiting for the inevitable sadness to come but the strangest thing happened. It didn't. I paused and scanned the room, feeling as if some kind of joke was being pulled on me. Where was that familiar heaviness? Where was the deep sadness? The tears?

A smile slowly cracked from my lips as I cocked my head to one side.

"Huh?" I said out loud to my four-legged companion who was curled up in a ball on the floor by my bedroom door. He looked back at me with his usual indifferent blank stare. "So this is it." I said. 

I pulled the dingy white dress off the hanger that accompanied it in the garment bag under my bed. "I wonder if it'll be different if I put the dress on?" I asked Oliver. He cracked a single eye open and gave me a look that said, "shh, can't you see I'm sleeping?" I smiled back at him with a look that said, "Yes, but I don't care."  I slide out of my tattered jean shorts and mint green 'The Moon Made Me Do It' crop tank top, throwing them in a pile on the floor. I stood there, naked, clutching on to my past with both my hands.

Nothing.

I unzipped the back of the dress and slowly, one foot at a time, stepped in. beginning to work the dress up to my hips. 

Still, nothing.

I gently worked the dress up and over my freshly tan hips, being extra careful as I pulled the dress over my rear. All those squats have added a little extra junk in my truck and with one gentle tug, I had the dress up and was sliding one arm at a time into the arm holes and carefully zipping up the back. 

 Nothing.

I hesitated as I lifted my gaze, waiting for my past to finally catch up and for the flood of tears to come rushing out.

Nothing. 

It was like staring at a long lost friend in the mirror. Someone who I thought I knew so well yet today, is only a distant memory. If I could only go back and tell her what I know now. If I could tell her how brave and courageous she really was. If I could tell her that she needn't do anything she truly didnt't want to do. That love, real love, didn't look or feel that way. I wonder if she would have ever gone through with it? I wonder if she would have ever said yes? 

A smile broke loose and spread across my face, as coincidently, the sounds of Sia's 'Wild One' echoed in the background and I stared my past down in the mirror. Laughter broke free, quietly at first until a thunderous fit of wild giggles erupted from deep within and suddenly I was dancing with my past, wildly across the living room floor as Oliver looked on in a mix of pure confusion and terror. 

So this is what it really means to be wild and free. And for the first time, the title of this post had words. After months of waiting, her transformation was clear:

Broken heart, closed heart, open heart, full heart. 

 

 

Fit and Free Weekly Playlist - Hip Hop Throwback

I have so many posts I'm in the middle of working on. I'm hoping that I'll feel rejuvenated and inspired to write more in Mexico, or at least when I return. I leave on Tuesday from LAX for one of my dear friend's wedding in Yelapa. This will be my first international trip in two years. As someone who was constantly jet setting for about a five year period, this is incredibly exciting and also bringing up some interesting feelings. Excitement, nervous, happy, uncertain. You name it, I'm feeling it.  

It's the first time I've traveled internationally by myself in a long time. But its time. It is so time. 

So cheers to being wild and free! This is what I've been striving for ever since I stepped into this new life of mine and I'm excited that it's finally starting to happen again. 

I'll be sharing more for sure. 

And now for what I'm sure you've all been waiting for...



I feel like this week's playlist needs a little explanation. So, here's a little secret about me not many know: I have always been a huge hip hop fan. I'm not sure anything else gets me quite as worked up as Biggie bustin' his Biggie Smalls rhymes. Except for maybe Nelly riding dirty. 

But be warned, there are definitely some explicit and inappropriate lyrics on this playlist. If you are sensitive to that, maybe check out last weeks playlist or wait for next weeks. I'll make it more user friendly.

Oh, and no laughing at the last song. I stand by my man. Team Joey forever.  

Time of Our Lives - Pitbull, Ne-Yo
Stay - Rihanna, Mikky Ekko
Ride Wit Me - Nelly , City Spud
Country Grammar - Nelly
Air Force Ones - Nelly, Murphy Lee
Right Thurr - Chingy
One Call Away - Chingy
Smack That - Akon, Eminem
So Sick - Ne-Yo
Because of You - Ne-Yo
Closer - Ne-Yo
Cupid - 112
Anywhere -112
Dance With Me - 112
Only You (Bad Boy Remix) - 112, The Notorious B.I.G
Let's Get Married -Jagged Edge
Old Thing Back - Matoma, The Notorious B.I.G
Juicy - The Notorious B.I.G
Notorious Things - The Notorious B.I.G
In Da Club - 50 Cent
21 Questions - 50 Cent, Nate Dogg
Wanna Get To Know You - G-Unit, Joe
Poppin' Them Thangs - G-Unit
Don't Cha - The Pussycat Dolls
Still Not a Player - Big Pun, Joe
I'm Not a Player - Big Pun, Joe
The Seed (2.0) - The Roots
Vivrant Thing - Q-Tip
If I Ruled The World - Mas, Ms. Layryn Hill
Lose Yourself - Eminem
The Monster - Eminem, Rihanna
Love The Way You Life - Eminem, Rihana
Without Me - Eminem
Please Don't Go Girl - New Kids On The Block


You say you want to feel good again.
You say the time is now.
You say you want a good relationship with food. 
You say something just has to change. 
You say you want to feel good in your skin again. 
You say you really want it bad. 

So what's stopping you? 

I use to say all these things until I realized it was really all up to me. That all the little things I did every single day added up to big things in my life. These things either lead me closer to or further from my goals. 

And in some areas, things needed to change. (It's a process) 

And I needed help. 

I was stubborn though and hated admitting that. I hated asking for help. But it was the only way. 

And you know what? It's actually very brave to say, "hey, I need some help. I don't think I can do this alone." So it's not complicated but it does have to be your choice and you do have to be the one to say yes.

 I'll take it from there.


Join me, May 1st to May 5th and we commit to eating clean for a better life (and booty). 

It's COMPLETELY FREE. 

What you get:

+ Grocery list to plan and prep with
+ My tools and tips for lasting success
+ 5 days of delicious recipes
+ Daily videos to keep you focused and motivated
+ FREE accountability group
+ Muah as your fearless food loving leader
 

BONUS: MY secret weapon that has helped with cravings, regulate my blood sugar, helped with my adult acne and provides long lasting energy!

Cost: Nothing, this ones on me!

Join the movement to feeling fit and free!

Registration closes April 25th. 


Feeling Fit and Free Weekly Playlist - What I Listen To When I workout

Ever since I was younger I've been very connected to music. It's had such a huge impact on my life by helping me work through turmoil and pain as well as motivating me when I needed extra pep in my long runs or sweaty workouts. I have a hard time moving my person if I don't have funky jams blasting in the background that I can zone out to while moving my person.

Recently I thought, hmm, maybe you are the same? Maybe it would be awesome to start incorporating my playlist into the blog? Sharing is caring after all. And it's also a great way to get me to find and listen to new music too. 

My main source for listening to and finding music is Spotify. You can find and follow me there and check out new and old playlists. 

I don't exactly have a rhyme or reason behind the order of the songs but beat is one aspect and lyrics are another. As you know, I love words and I'm a total lyric girl. But when I workout, it's all about the bass. I mean beats. It's all about the beats. 

So get turnt up and shake your booty to these bumpin' beats. 

Run/Ride (indoor) Tri Training Playlist One


And my friends, please, no judgement. I will fully admit and embrace that I have the Bieber fever. I fought it for a long time but finally drank the kool aid. 

John Legend - Save the Night
Justin Bieber - Love Yourself
Justin Bieber - Sorry
Justin Bieber - What Do You Mean
David Guetta - Bang My Head
Alessia Cara - Wild Things
Deorro - Five More Hours (Chris Brown Remix)
Demi Lovato - Confident
Selena Gomez - Same Old Love
Ayokay - Kings of Summer
Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire
Kings of Leon - Pyro
Kings of Leon - On Call
 


And get ready cause it's happening....

You guys. It's almost here. 

Summer.

Swimsuit season. 

Which means we all parade around half naked. Or is that just in San Diego? 

As much as my message is about learning to embrace all of you exactly as you are, I also believe we all want to feel and look our best, especially as we get older, not just on the inside, but on the outside as well. 

 And I know that bathing suit season can cause serious anxiety and unnecessary stress. Especially when we see the calendar pages aggressively turning. I mean, how is it already April? 

New Years goals are long gone and some of you are just peeling yourself out of hibernation and want to get fit and feel free so you can feel summer strong and happy. 

And did you know that diet is about 75% of weightless? That doesn't mean we don't need to work our person but what you put in your body affects your booty. And your health. And your overall well-being. 

So, what better way to jumpstart your health, wellness and fitness then with this five day reset to get you back on track?

Join me, May 1st to May 5th and we commit to eating clean for a better life (and booty). 

It's COMPLETELY FREE. 

What you get:

+ Grocery list to plan and prep with
+ 5 days of delicious recipes
+ Daily videos to keep you focused and motivated
+ FREE accountability group
+ Muah as your fearless food loving leader

Cost: Nothing, this ones on me!

Join the movement to feeling fit and free!


MAGIC Super Food almond butter cups

So, who loves chocolate? Who loves almond butter? And who loooves them together? 

Thought so. Me too.

I wanted to lighten the mood a bit since the last two post were a little on the heavy side. If you haven't read them you can find them here and here. Real stuff gets talked about. 

You know I'm all for real talk. I love super vulnerable conversations where life gets dissected through powerful discussion but I also love light and fluffy and funny and well, food. And I love sharing foods I love with you. 

And part of balance is knowing when to add in more of the opposite. Too heavy? Lighten the load. Too funny, throw in a bit of serious, real talk. Someone once told me that I tend to error on the side of serious more often then not and the truth is, I have a wicked and witty sense of humor. Balance.

Life is all about finding B  A   L  A  N  C  E

Anyways. 

So we both love chocolate and we both love almond butter and we especially love them together. 

I thought I had a really good feeling about you. 

This little treat is good. So good in fact that I suggest you make extra and keep them in the freezer. However, even though they are chalked full of superfood goodness, two will feed your soul, all of them at once will probably induce a wicked episode of self-loathing and cyclical negative talk. And we've all come too far to go back down that crazy road again, right? I don't recommend it. Moderation is key. 

Honestly, that's my biggest problem with healthy treats. I can convince myself that since they are 'healthy' I can have more then I probably should. I'm like, "oh but they are chalked full of healthy antioxidants like camu camu and goji berries and adaptogens like Ashwagandha and Maca. Oh and plant-based proteins and pre and probiotics."

See, the mind can trick us into a lot if we aren't careful. 

But I do think you will love these. And they are actually good for you. In moderation. 

Balance. 

There are only four ingredients, one being Shakeology Superfood. If you read this post you saw that I introduced you to this new and amazing staple in my day. And if you know me, I'm a huge believer in getting your nutrition through real foods so I've always been a bit weary of shakes/meal replacement and in all honesty, I would never back something if I didn't truly believe in it. I'm WAY too honest of a person. As in I can barely even tell a little white lie without a neon sign blinking over my head shouting I'M SO NOT TELLING THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW!  

With that being said, adding this to my daily routine has been a huge game changer. And here is what I've noticed over the last six weeks. Coincidence?  Maybe. Probably not however. It's probably real magic. 

I've been drinking a smoothie every day for just over a month now and this is what I've observed. I am not a doctor and I am not, in any way, shape or form, claiming that this is why these things have changed. Other then being more consistent with my workouts, Shakeology is the only thing that I've changed.  


+ Better sleep. I don't wake up multiple times throughout the night like I usually do. No more night sweats either thank God. I was going through up to three shirts a night which was making me super stoked for menopause!! (Insert sarcastic tone here). 

+ Less sugar cravings. I've always had a huge sweet tooth. Once when I was a kid a family friend took my older brother and I to the candy store and told us we could each get a pound. Little did she know that my older brother was basically boy genius and proceeded to find the lightest treats he could to fill his bad. Naturally I, like with every thing else he did, followed suit. 

Those days are long gone because I don't eat refined sugar anymore but even natural sugar starts to add up over time and was zapping the energy right out of me. If I'm craving something sweet I eat one of these babes below or make my blueberry chocolate superfood {milk}shake. I'll share that soon. 

+ (THIS IS THE BIGGEST ONE!) My Skin is GLOWING! I've had multiple people tell me that I have this new glow. That I'm radiating happiness and a shiny, smooth complexion.  And I ain't mad about that compliment! Fo sure! This has to do with a lot of inner work I've been doing but I know that it also has to do with what I'm putting in my body.  

My adult acne is virtually gone. Except with the mild breakout right before my period, it's just up and went away. And I aint mad about that either.  I have been struggling with some serious adult acne for the past two years. Like really bad, puberty kind of acne. 

It started right after my marriage ended which is kind of the last thing you want to deal with when you are already dealing with a million other things. Stress. Life changes. Emotions. Er, LOTS of emotions. Change in diet (going from strictly vegan to eating meat again). All of these could have contributed to the acne but within the last 6 weeks, my skin has seriously never looked better. Check it out! Disregard the age spots and swim goggle eye circles and just focus on the beautiful, acne-free skin. Despite the distressed look on my face, I'm pretty happy that after all this time, my skin is finally free and clear of something I already went through when I was a young adolescent. 

+ More energy. So much energy. I haven't had this much energy in I don't even know how long. I've mentioned this before but I have something called Hoshimoto's which is an autoimmune disorder where your body basically attacks your thyroid tissue like it's a foreign object. It can send me into crazy fits of exhaustion and fatigue. I call them my Hashi 'flare ups' but the truth is, they knock me on my behind. I have to take naps *gasp, during the day and I'm not, nor have I ever been, a napper. For the last six weeks I've been virtually nap-free. Even when I had bronchitis. #winning 

+ Its given me the ability to read minds and fly. Okay, I'm kidding on this one. Or am I? Mwahahaha!

So, as I've said, coincidence, maybe but I'm thinking that Shakeology is the cats meow (and we all know how much I love cats) and I've just landed on a gold mine full of a magical elixir of health and wellness. It gives me the same feeling as if I were to walk into a room full of kittens and puppies. I just want to jump up and down clapping my hands while letting out little shrills of happy cheer.  #myideaofheaven. I think I just may be a lifer. If you need any more evidence that Shakeology IS the cat's meow read these.

So without further ado. 

I'd like to introduce you to...


What's you'll need:

1 scoop Chocolate or Vegan Chocolate Shakeology (I use vegan)
1/2 cup organic coconut oil
1/4 cup organic coconut butter
1/4 cup raw almond butter (I get mine at Trader Joe's)
 


How to make:

Serving size: roughly 12 (that depends on your pouring ability)

1. In a sauce pan, melt coconut oil and coconut butter on medium heat. Watch carefully because the coconut butter will burn if you just let it sit so stir, stir, stir. Once melted, turn off heat and allow to cool. Not all the way until it's hard but so it's temperate. The Shakeology is loaded with raw super foods that you don't want to heat up too much so don't add it while melting the coconut oil and butter. 

2. Line your muffin tin with paper liners.  I have one that has smaller cup sizes. I think they are about 1 inch in diameter. Pour a small amount of your Shakeology coconut butter/oil mixture into the bottom of each liner and place in the refrigerator for about 20 minutes to harden. There should be about half of the mixture left once all the cups are filled. 

3. Remove hardened mixture from fridge and scoop a small amount of almond butter into the center of each cup. Small amount as in about 1/2 tsp. Place back in fridge to harden. About 10 minutes. 

4. Fill each cup up using the remainder of the Shakeology coconut butter/oil mixture and place back in fridge to harden the rest of the way. 

5. Enjoy!

Keep these guys in the fridge as they will melt at room temperature. 

Interested in Shakeology? Email me with any questions. I'm serious, this stuff is like liquid GOLD. It sparkles in the sunlight just like Edward from Twilight and I know just how much you love him. 

 

Lots of love and magic to you,