Liar Liar Pants On Fire, The Truth Shall Set You Free

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“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

When I started writing in this space almost five years ago, my life was going down a very different path. This blog was called The Savoury Soul and it was where I attempted to talk all things health and wellness.  

I say I was attempting to write about health and wellness but everything felt very sterile and forced. My writing was a mix of how to's and unwarranted 'do this and you'll be happier!' advice. 

What I really should have been writing about, what would have felt way more original and authentic, would have been, "do this and this so everyone you know thinks you have the perfect little life.” And under no circumstance whatsoever admit or even hint at the truth.

All I remember was feeling like the biggest fraud and that I had so much to say, so much to share, but what I was writing about was not even close to being it. 

Instead, I spent a lot of time fluffing up my life and pretending I had it all figured out. 

In reality, what I really wanted to share was the truth. I wanted to scream out, "Hey! I have no friggin' clue what I'm doing here and I want out of my marriage but I have everything I ever thought I wanted so why am I so unbelievably sad and miserable? And why is it that when I look in the mirror I have no idea who the person I'm looking at is? And does anyone else out there feel this way?"

That is the stuff I really wanted to write about. 

The truth.

Real life. Real stuff. Real feelings. 

Raw, gritty, honest to God truth.

I wanted to expose the complicated feelings I was experiencing from being married to someone who had no idea who I was nor really even cared to find out. I wanted to write about how I had no idea who I was either but was desperate to find out.

I wanted to talk about how I had everything I ever thought I wanted but all the stuff in the world couldn't fill the ever growing hole inside. I needed to confide in someone, anyone who’d listen, that sometimes I’d dream about telling my husband that I was going to the grocery store and get in my car and drive away. And just keep driving. 

I wanted to tell the story of how on my wedding day as I stood in front of my family and the two friends I was "allowed" to invite, I wasn't thinking that this was my dream day. I was looking around thinking about all the people I wished were there but weren't because my ex made a big stink about the fact that this was his second wedding and "nobody wanted to come to a second wedding."

"How do you think it makes me look Amanda?" He asked. I remember thinking, "But...it's not just about you. Shouldn't we compromise? Isn't that what love and marriage is about? Give and take? Shouldn't you want to see me beaming from the happiness and joy I feel from having all the people I love at our day? 

 Instead, I stood in front of the twenty people in attendance and said my vows while secretly wondering how long it would be before we got a divorced. Instead of being in ah of this person I was committing my life too, I stood there with a fake smile saying some of the most important words to a man who no more then two weeks later met another women on a business trip.

I wanted to share how the first time I learned of him cheating was before we were even engaged. I wanted to leave then but was terrified because I didn't know what I would do. And then he said all the perfect words knowing very well that I would cave from hearing those words. I'm sorry. You mean everything to me. I will be better. I don't deserve you. I love you. 

He promised he'd change. He'd get help and go to therapy. And I was a sucker for empty promises. I was addicted to the love you think you feel from being told that US was finally enough to create change. That you really mean something. That you are worthy enough for them to change. 

I wanted to share that not much about US worked and I wondered if others were living in marriages that felt like living in a glass house. Just one more lie and everything may shatter around you.

 Were others drawing the drapes closed tightly at night to cover the truth of their relationships too? Were others as desperate to keep their lies tightly sealed just like I was?

I wanted to write with such brutal honestly that when I reached the end of the page I would feel empty, cleaned out and purged of all the lies I was telling others and myself. I needed to shed the excess weight so I could stare naked in the mirror and see Amanda for the first time.

But I couldn't. Instead, I filled these pages with boring facts that made me feel inauthentic. All because I knew that once I shared, there was no going back. Once it was out there everyone would know I, Amanda Whitworth, was a big…fat…lier.

So I just kept quiet and kept writing about boring topics because I felt called to write but was too afraid to write about what it was I felt called to share. 

Those thoughts and feelings, those would stay buried deep within, folded into the layers of my heart.

But the truth will set you free they say and freedom was what I was longing for. So once I had a reason that was good enough, once I had been broken and beaten down just enough, I got up the courage to say "no more!"  And I ran 1200 miles away to a little beach town so I could give myself the space and time to finally open up my heart and share what it is I'm suppose to share.

The truth.  

And the most interesting thing has happened with being brutally honest. Every time I open up and share a little bit more of my truth I feel free.

I have given myself permission to peel back the layers and get down and dirty with the God honest truth and it’s become harder and harder to lie to myself. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes it really sucks having to referee the battle between my head and my heart and make a decision that I know is best for me but I don’t want to make. Sometimes that decision brings about it’s own pain. 

I’ll tell you one thing though, the feeling I get when I’m honest with myself and take action upon that honesty is almost indescribable.

No amount of sex and drugs or food and exercise or shopping or anything else that temporarily fills those holes and stuffs down those lies can make me feel as high and full as the way the truth does.

And that, my dear, is why the truth shall set you free.

So that you can be.  

Guest Post: Being You (and not just snippets of you) by Elizabeth McKenzie

Hey loves! How was your weekend? Mine was quite relaxing. We finished up the last few days of summer on Saturday with sunny blue skies and highs in the 80's and Sunday was cloudy, cooler and rainy. The perfect day to curl up with a good book, a cup of warm tea and get cozy for the day. It's also the start of football session which brings back so many memories from my youth. I personally have a hard time watching it but I love having it in the background as lose myself in the kitchen or a good book.

What do you love about the transition from summer to fall?

To continue this exciting month of amazing women and giveaways, today I have a lady who embodies authenticity and strength. She is, in my humble opinion, a queen of magnificence, a firer starter and a champion for helping women find their voice. She's a gem.

Elizabeth from Your Higher Self is here today to talk about a subject that I think is SO important; Being YOU and to offer one of you a special little treat. Read on to see what it is.

Don't forget about the other awesome gifts from the two previous weeks. My birthday may be long over but the fun around here is not!

+ One-Month 'Build Your Best Life' Personalized Coaching with ME

+ An A-MAZ-ZING Veggie Pasta Spiralizer for some healthy alternatives to your traditional pastas

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E.McKenzie

How hard is it to be you these days? You let one little fuck out and you become the girl who swears. You wear kicks instead of high heels and you’re not a lady and then you write something profound and deep and you’re the spiritual hippy. Someone sees you got a few tattoos and now you’re the badass.

Okay so my little rant was probably more related to me then to you because I’ve felt it lately. Ya know, the labels, the fitting people into neat categories, the teeny snippets of me. And it’s not just other people doing it. I do it too. To myself.  When I started my blog in 2012 I labelled myself a spiritual seeker. Period. That was it. For ages I thought that since that was the person I put out there, that was the only way I was allowed to be. I wasn’t allowed to swear or talk about rad shoes ever. And heaven forbid I told anyone I was obsessed with tracking down boyfriend jeans.

I had reduced my whole entire self to just one teeny aspect – being the spiritual seeker. Which wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth either. And after months living only a snippet of me, I got tired. It was boring, restrictive and not fun because it wasn’t me. And so there came a point where I couldn’t contain my true self any more. It was a gradual shift, in hope that people wouldn’t notice. But people noticed, and started complimenting me on doing my thing. On being real. Whole. My true self.

In the spirit of this post and being 100% me, here’s some things about me that just don’t make sense:

I love Nike shoes and hi tops/ I also love to dress up and wear dresses and heels/ I listen to heavy metal (one of my favorite bands is in flames)/ I also listen to Britney Spears and hip hop/ I’m studying speech pathology/ I’m going to study kinesiology/ I love greasy pizza and ice cream/ I love green smoothies/ I talk to my angels/ I love evidence based practice in proving therapy works in speech pathology/ I swear / I have an awesome sweet voice that makes kids love me/ I love tattoos/ I use crystals/ I yell and scream at the footy and guess what? I’m so totally happy sharing all those aspects that make me whole.

Your turn:

How to be 100% you.

+ It’ll take time

Mostly because as you start to be more open to being you, you start discovering what you like and what you don’t and what you’re willing to do and what you’re not. Essentially the more you start being you, the more you’ll understand who you are. And this will change over time.

+ It’ll scare the shit out of you

The first time you share something you’ve never shared before will scare you. Don’t let that stop you. Even if you only share the teeniest bit of information, stand your ground. You’ll feel amazing once you do and guess what? 99.99% of people are pretty awesome and open to knowing the real you!

+ You’ll try to sabotage yourself to protect yourself

You’ll try and stop yourself from being completely whole by trying to convince yourself that this isn’t actually you. Try to zoom out the focus and look at yourself as a whole. Like me, you’re probably a whole bunch of contradictions and that’s okay.

+ You’ll feel free and light and uplifted and inspired by YOURSELF

When you’re brave enough to share the real you, you’ll feel energised. You’ll smile uncontrollably, you’ll feel love, you’ll feel light and supported. Your life will change, and you’ll question why you were terrified to begin with.

+ People will notice and be cool with all of you

That’s right. Even if you don’t directly share information, by just being you people’ll start to notice and they’ll ask if you got a new haircut or new moisturizer because you look amazing and it’s true - you do, because you’re 100% you.

+ You’ll gain confidence

The more you practice being you, the better you get. The better you get the more confident you are.  It’s that whole practice makes perfect thang.

+ You’ll discover what you want to do in life

The best thing about being 100% you, besides feeling incredibly happy is that you’ll be able to actually live the life you’re meant to be living this lifetime. By being 100% who you are, you’ll discover what you’re ultimate dreams are, and with that confidence you’ll be able to go out and actually achieve them.

And if you’re still not convinced here’s your permission slip:  You are allowed to be all of you, not just snippets of you.

Elizabeth McKenzie

Hey yo! I’m Elizabeth, I’m a speech pathologist, kinesiologist and life coach in training and the creator of Bringing Sexy Back Bootcamp. I help women rock their life with confidence, passion and purpose. I show them how to make that seemingly impossible life possible.

Women come to me because they feel stuck, insecure and afraid of their future. I give them a mojo injection, a permission slip to speak their truth and the skills and habits to create and maintain a life they’ve chosen for themselves. As a result, my clients own their destiny, and their sexy selves.

Grab my free ebook ‘Me, my highest self and I: 20 ways to skyrocket your relationship with yourself’ HERE .  And say hello on facebook.

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Wanna win a Rock Your Body Now Strategy Session with Elizabeth? 

Simply share this post on facebook and tag me at The Savoury Soul and Elizabeth at Your Highest Self and come back and leave a comment telling us your favorite thing about YOU! (OR, just leave a comment)

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