I wrote this post out the first time and then read it over and thought, “Amanda, this is not you. You are not using your true voice. You are writing to please others.” Which is ironic as you’ll read. So I hit erase and started over. When I finished I thought, there she is. There’s Amanda.
Who would believe what I have to say?
Who even wants to hear what I have to say anyway?
I suck. I’m not creative.
I don’t have a creative bone in my body.
I could NEVER do that! They can but not me.
The stuff I write, it’s shit!
I’m such an asshole.
This is all too hard. Why is everything so hard?
Work hard, play hard., that’s the only way. So why does it feel so wrong to me?
Hustle, hustle hustle. It’s the only way to be successful. I just can’t anymore.
I hear these things all the time. They are unconsciously swirling around everywhere affecting our energy, our drive, our dreams, our gut feelings, our motivation.
In fact, I’ve said these things (and more) over and over to myself. I still battle this tape recorder. It has been hardwired in us, one that’s hard to erase. Although I work on it daily, these thoughts circle deep in the back of my mind.
I’ve learned that nothing kills your creative life force quicker then the voice(s) in your head. This voice however, isn’t really ours. It’s the stories we’ve picked from the time we were born. These are called formative years for a reason. This is when we pick up our beliefs and values, how we learn to set boundaries or in my case, none at all. It’s when our parents and siblings and educational system and peers all influence us the deepest.
I know it’s easy to think they are our own thoughts because we are the ones thinking them day in and day out, but how often do you stopped and question, “Is this even what I believe? Are these thoughts even mine?” Or are you on autopilot just living out the life you’ve been told you should be living?
About six months ago I had a series of mental breakdowns that shook me to my core and made me realize that I had to make a choice: stay the same and not address what was happening within me and turn into someone I really despised or acknowledge that I really needed to make some changes and I needed help for my health, wellbeing and overall sanity.
Honestly, I felt like I was living a lie. So many parts of my life still didn’t feel true to my core. I was not accepting the truth of what I am here to do in this lifetime. Needless to say, I was left untangling a messy web of thoughts and ideals and beliefs, trying to decipher which ones were actually mine and what were stories I picked up a long the way.
Do this — get love.
Be this — acceptance.
Stay small, don’t speak up — fit in.
Wear this — please others.
Work 9 to 5 — security
I couldn’t see straight. Literally. I would lie in bed hyperventilating to the point nothing made sense and my vision would go blurry and I knew enough from watching a mentally ill father growing up, living a lie involves serious repercussions.
This one particular morning I sent me therapist (more of a spiritual advisor) a text:
“It’s time to go deeper.”
I knew that all this conditioning and past traumas were preventing me from living what I believed to be my truth and the anxiety and panic I was feeling from deep within were messengers that it was time to get radically honest with myself, my past and the way I processed the traumatic events in my life. I needed to take responsibility for my choices, my decisions and stop blaming others. I needed to accept that my parents did the best that they could with what they themselves had, really learn to forgive and relearn how to not care about what others think.
“Fuck.” I thought. “I don’t want to do this.” But it was time to roll up my sleeves and really get to work. And that, was terrifying.
We are so afraid of our pain, aren’t we? Most of us are so full of guilt and shame and every other emotions related to these it seems. Or, we spend our time chasing this illusion of happiness and we desperately run from those things that cause or have caused us pain.
But I’m here to tell you, right under the pain is the good stuff?
Right under the lies are our longings and dreams and aspirations. The things our heart and soul knows we are here to do.
The pain and guilt and shame — they hold the answers. Wake up, don’t go back to sleep.
“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don't go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep!
People are going back and forth
across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,
The door is round and open
Don't go back to sleep!”
I didn’t go back to sleep. Instead, I dug in.
Going back and addressing traumatic events and memories isn’t fun. I’m never going to tell you it is. It actually sucks balls if I’m honest. But you know what sucks balls even more?
Living a lie.
I don’t care how old you are, if you want to find freedom from your suffering, if you want to live a life of truth and honesty and authenticity, you have to actually dig into the pain and the lies. Because no matter how many times you look in the mirror and speak affirmations, if you don’t believe it on a deep subconscious level, those lies are the storylines that will continue to play out from deep within.
If you ever wonder why the same thing keeps happening to you…there you go.
The affirmations are wonderful. They feel good after you get over the initial discomfort of feeling like you are piling more lies on top of the lies you already live with. But if you follow me on Instagram you may remember the analogy I talked of scooping ice-cream on top of shit. You can keep piling ice cream on top of your shit, but eventually you will bite into the shit again.
Or you can get in, get the shit out of there so you can eventually just enjoy the ice cream without worrying if and when you may bite into shit again.
And the shit, is exactly what keeps us stuck.
Now who’s hungry for some ice cream?
5 Powerful Tools to Getting Unstuck
1. Slow Down & Create Space
Nobody likes to hear this but slowing down and getting intentional with your time really is the hidden secret. We love to distract ourselves. And by we I really mean WE. I right there with you. My numbing and distraction go-to’s are: social media, aimlessly wandering around my house, podcasts, used to be dating apps and sometimes it was sex (when I was dating someone) and occasionally drinking. But in the last 6 months I got still. I got really uncomfortable. And I just listened to what was trying to come up. You know what it was? Anger. And then shame. Then sadness and hurt. And it sucked but it provided a lot of clues and answers and when I started doing more work around these things, peace.
That is when number two came in to play.
I first turned to To Be Magnetic because if I’m honest, it was a manifestation process and I was really just looking for a quick way to get what I want without having to work for it. I thought sweet! Another tool to help me magically manifest all my hopes and desires.
Then I realized this program is a bit different then all the other manifestation teachings. This one involves a lot of honest and actually showing up and doing the (your) work. So I got super resistant to it until the last mental breakdown and I realized I couldn’t keep doing things the same way and expect different results.
It all comes down to self-worth and if you are vibrating (from DEEP WITHIN) high or low self-worth. So this is why when we just do affirmations they don’t really work all that well. They are, for many people, ice cream covering up shit.
Law of Attraction and The Secret are great but as Lacy, the creator says, unless you get in to the subconscious that holds all the stories and lies and trauma and blocks, you wont ever believe you are worthy of the things you truly want.
I can’t speak more highly of Lacy and To be Magnetic. I’ll write a whole post on what has transpired in my life so far soon.
If you are interested in really doing the work to live a life that feels totally in alignment and manifest the things you truly want, you can get $20 OFF when you use the promo code AMANDA.
The Pathway, which gives you access to ALL of her programs, is only $25 a month. It’s literally 5 coffees out. I didn’t want to spend the money either but this has literally saved my sanity in so many ways.
I have a thing for books and I really have a thing for books that involve raw honesty. This book, I think, needs to be read by everybody that struggles with feeling like they are enough (hello almost everyone). Those who have questioned what the hustle is really about and wondered if there is a more simple way of living and reaping the rewards of true happiness.
This book literally fell in my lap after consciously choosing to slow my life down for mental health reasons over the last six months.
It gave me permission to be human and to not get caught up in the do more to be more mentality. It gave me hope and it gave me a sense of feeling less alone.
Read it, I promise it will make you breathe out all the air you’ve been holding onto because you’ve been so busy for so long you forgot to read.
I’m going to be totally transparent here. Money has been one of the biggest sources of my pain and shame over the last ten years. In my twenties I was really “responsible.” I had a great savings, little to no debt and I was setting myself up for success. And it felt really good.
Then just after my twenty-ninth birthday I moved to Taiwan on a whim and went through my savings rather quickly. Fuck it. I almost died I thought. I just want to live. And that has been the story I’ve been living out this whole time. (PS - totally working on this storyline in Opulence, one of The Pathway programs). And it’s preventing me from really stepping into a side of me I need to feel secure — financial free.
So how does this money managing app help?
I came across Qapital and saving and investing became fun for me. It’s actually making me look at money in a whole new light. I also love that it’s kind of a ‘set it and forget it’ thing. And while I’m not making as much money as I’d like to right now by any means, this gives me the feeling of doing something to set myself up for the future.
You can set up different goals and apply different rules to each. For the last six months, I’ve been watching my savings grow as money is withdrawn from my banking account and put into each goal.
These are what my goals look like:
Taxes (independent contractor here)
In Case of An Emergency Fund
40th Birthday to Italy (whoop whoop, Sept. 6th 2020!)
Investments (so confusing to me)
When you sign up and when you refer someone else, you both get anywhere before $5-$25 depending on their promotion. Honestly, it’s turned savings into a fun game.
5. Human Design
If you’ve been in my company within the last few months Human Design has definitely come up. I don’t even know how to do describing it justice to be honest but basically, it’s the contract your soul made about who you came here to be, our unique gifts to live out and the karma you are to experience.
In laymen terms; straight up permission to be exactly who you are. When I first started learning about my desgin (4/6 Generator with an Emotional Authority, Right Cross of Consciousness (3)) it was like EVERYTHING I ever felt intuitively about myself made sense. I used to be so hard on myself about this weird need I had to share things with the hope of inspiring others. But it’s literally my purpose.
This energy is the ability to seize power through the use of your mental prowess. You are here to transform your mental pressure to figure things out and communicate effectively to others, turning them into followers. Not everyone can push forward ideas to lead, but you have the energetic design to do so.
This stuff blows my mind wide open and if you feel called to learn more, my friend Ilona read my chart to me and she’s incredible. You can reach out to her or myself if you have questions. (I chat a bit about it but she’s got it nailed down!)
Full transparency, if you click on an affiliate link and choose to purchase I will get a small commission but it’s really important to know that I will never under any circumstance promote anything I do not use myself or truly believe in.